Title: Giraffe Harpsichord
Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: January 24, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: January 24, 2020
Please Welcome a Man
Who has been today terrified by a balloon.
Richard Herring’s Lighthouse Serenading Troubadour Podcast
I went to sleep in a nice medieval house in Exeter in 1961 – not today – and when I woke up the whole thing had moved right down the street. And the man moving it along…
Guest Best Known
As the narrator in The Tale of the Upside Down Mermaid.
Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
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If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?
The greatest museum in the world is the Royal Albert Memorial Museum in Exeter, which is curated in the most wonderful, eccentric way possible. For example, and if I’m allowed to take a double piece… And there’s a sort of top floor area, there’s a little corner where you have a stuffed giraffe – which we still celebrate, the fact that they were shot by an old Exeter dude – next to a harpsichord. So they just – it’s not just about the individual items, it’s about, you know, how they put these, you know… And it’s really – you can stand there for fucking hours and think, what is the link? Does he play the harpsichord? There’s no clues anywhere. And you look for clues and things in the blurb in case there’s something. There’s a button; you press the button thinking, Here’s the answer! And it just plays a little excerpt of some harpsichord. *RH asks whether the items are in alphabetical order.* Oh God. Yeah, thanks. That explains why there’s a thumb screw next to the old Exeter sausage. That I’d also been confused by.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you tell me I should ask for a refund from the author of this book?
*RH comments that the Emergency Questions book is terrible and does not request a response from MW.*
Who is the most evil person you have ever met?
The most evil person? Oh, it’s a toss-up between Mr. Elmer, who was the head teacher at my primary school – don’t know if he’s dead or not. Fingers crossed, just for legal purposes – or a boy at the same primary school who – what was his first name? Ian? Alexander? I can’t remember his first name. Second name was West. He was an absolute bastard. *RH asks whether it was Fred West.* It was Fred West. Very into crazy painting from a very young age. *RH asks what Mr. Elmer’s offenses were.* He would, uh. He was mostly an emotional and psychological tormenter, was his thing. Physically, he very rarely physically abused anyone. The only physical abuse I got from him was when he got annoyed with me for chewing a pencil. And he made me come over to him, and he said, “Give me that pencil.” And then he said, “Open your mouth.” And I thought, Oh, I don’t like any of these two things going together. And he put it in my mouth sharp end-first. “Close your mouth.” And then he went woop-bam *makes pushing motion* with his open palm on the pencil and sort of rammed it down the back of my throat, which just fucking hurt. Particularly when you’re eight years-old. So he made his point, but I would have been very happy for him to just say, “Could you not chew that pencil? It really gets on my tits, Wozniak.” […] I think he’s the first person where I had a sense of you’re a sadist, I think. It was also just generally the way he carried himself about, and how he would psychologically bully us kids and make them feel.
What is the worst thing that has happened to you on holiday?
I was in Trianca once, a long time ago, and a monkey threatened to beat me to death with a toothbrush. That was quite intense. I just came out of the room and the trolley – you know the trolley for sort of soaps and towels – and it was just absolutely seized upon by a mob – troop – of monkeys, living up to their name. Absolutely, you know, just fucking it up, big time. Eating tiny bars of soap, fucking tiny bottles of conditioner. Um, and the maid, who I’d met the previous day, there was no sign whatsoever. I didn’t see her again, in fact, in that stay. And the gang leader had a toothbrush that he was brandishing at me aggressively. He communicated very clearly that he would beat me to death unless I fucked off, which I did. Had some squits. There’s usually a squit one, isn’t there? Everyone’s got a squit story. But my squit story was – it came about halfway through a week-long holiday. As I sat filling the pan with pint upon pint of shit and blood, I found myself thinking, Actually, I prefer it in here and this means that I don’t have to spend anymore time with my girlfriend this holiday. So it was an epiphany, you see, that really our time was up. Which she agreed with and, um, I think it really helped to sort of seal the deal. I think she had a lovely few days, you know. So we ended on good terms and everything.
Recorded at the Corn Exchange in Exeter.
This is MW’s second appearance.
Ernie Herring’s birthday was celebrated during the week of the episode’s recording.