Title: Talking Koch
Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: April 1, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: April 1, 2020
Please Welcome a Man
Who is disgusted to return to Cambridge with the most disgusting Travel Lodge in the world in it.
Richard Herring’s Liverpool Street Train Podcast
I was hanging around in the Ascension Parish Burial Ground the other day, near the grave of Ludwig Wittgenstein. His ghost appeared and said, “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent, but I call it…”
Guest Best Known
For being the writer of These Women Wear Strap Ons to Work.
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If you had to have sex with an animal – if you had to – what animal would you have sex with, if you had to?
With an octopus. Yeah. Just eight different tentacles, just everywhere. It’s like having group sex with one thing. I’m trying to think – Am I thinking of a tiny one, like the one that predicted the World Cup, or are we talking, like, kraken from a pirate story? Would I fuck a kraken? Or is the kraken fucking me? Oh my God, have you seen that Korean film? Is it The Handmaiden? Does anybody know what I’m talking about? There’s this – I think it’s called The Handmaiden – and it’s this Korean fantasy film. And it was about these, like, two beautiful princesses who fall in love. And then there’s, like – and then there’s an octopus that has sex with someone. It was in theatres. It was genuinely in theatres. This is not a porno. Independently, [the octopus] is my favourite animal. It has always been my favourite animal. But then I’m like, Do I like it as more than a friend? *RH asks whether the sex with an octopus would happen on land or underwater.* No, underwater. One hundred percent, one hundred percent.
If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?
If your genitals had to be replaced by the face of one of the Muppets – the face would be able to interact and communicate in exactly the same way as the puppet – which puppet face would replace your genitals?
I mean, I have the worst answer ever. I don’t know anything about the Muppets. I’m so sorry. I’ve tried my best to assimilate as much as I can, but there’s so much culture that I’ve missed out on that I’m just like, Mr Blobby, trying to consume all of it. *RH states that he will allow Mr Blobby as a choice in lieu of a Muppet.* Alright, fine. My vagina would be Mr Blobby. It won’t look that different. Am I right?
What is your favourite kind of non-human milk to drink?
It depends. I mean, oat. Oat is the one to go with, every time. Everything else is bullshit. I think coconut is too strong. Like, it just overwhelms the palette with itself. And I just want the milk to be in addition to the flavour palette, as opposed to the kind of solo.
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
Okay, so in the past it’s still my finger. *RH gives various examples of finger actions that could take place in the past.* Like, the Sistine Chapel. *OK makes hand motions similar to those in the The Creation of Adam.* Or talcum? I think I’m going to go for the tit talcum. Just ’cause, I mean, as a kid having watched Back to the Future and all the sci-fi stuff, you don’t want to fuck with time. You don’t want to end up in the evil timeline in Back to the Future II where Biff owns the hotel and your mom has fake tits. *RH points out that this is the current timeline.* Yeah, too many people chose the finger.
Is it better to have loved and lost than to have to eat nothing but Pop-Tarts for a year?
Yes. Yeah, yeah. I could make content. I could make a boyfriend out of Pop-Tarts. *RH notes that OK could use his toaster sex robot to heat them up.* Oh my God, is that them two fucking? We walk in on them fucking? That’s amazing.
Would you rather suck off a troll or be bummed by a leprechaun?
And sucking off a troll, that’s just a Saturday night for me. *RH suggests that leprechauns have “tiny Irish penises”.* On a bed of curly ginger hair. You’d get lucky with a leprechaun.
Do you have an envelope cupboard?
Have you ever colluded with a Russian?
*OK laughs but does not respond.*
Have you ever canoodled with a Russian?
No, absolutely not. No, no, no. Absolutely not. Disgusting. Only my brother.
Have you ever canoed with a Russian?
This is very good. No, but could that be, like, a prize that people bid on at the end of this podcast for charity? I’ll go on a canoe with an IT guy.
Recorded at the Cambridge Corn Exchange.
The animal sex emergency question received a cheer from the audience.
The talcum tit/time-travelling finger emergency question received a cheer from the audience.
RH references the Rob Rouse RHLSTP podcast episode where RH fails to fart on cue.
RH and OK both attempt to burp on cue, with RH producing a greater burp than OK.
Towards the end of the episode, OK produced a burp that elicited a cheer from the audience, causing her to run about the stage.
RH notes that Manila Envelopes, a film he appeared in, was never released.