Title: The Pale Pirate

acast Time: 59:19
Youtube Time: 58:54

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: April 22, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: April 22, 2020

Please Welcome a Man
Who has just found Jesus, so now it’s his turn to hide.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s LST Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging around at Bletchley Park the other day. And the nerds who work there told me that what the Nazis call this is dependent on the settings on the Enigma machine. So what helped them crack the code is they realized they all called it…

Guest Best Known
For being the future face of Bovril.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Worse
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed SM’s wife
confirmed that it was alright that SM discuss their wedding at Blechley Park

Emergency Questions

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

I mean, I immediately know what it is but it won’t be funny at all but I’m going to say what it is anyway, just in the hopes – There’s a picture by Picasso called Bird on a Tree. It’s the shittest picture of a bird you’ve ever seen, but it is beautiful. It’s at the Guggenheim in New York and it is, uh… I don’t really like Picasso. There’s a childishness to it, but there’s also – there’s something about the colour. There’s a depth. I could stare at it for days and I have done when I’ve been there. I stayed there in a daze. So, Bird on a Tree by Picasso. There’s no punch line. I’ll just have that one, please.

If you only had a week to live, who would you tell to go fuck themselves?

In my live show I refer to the guy who [unclear] as “Flockstars” because he worked on the hit ITV One celebrity show Flockstars. […] Oh, who else would I tell to fuck off? I’ll be honest, probably everyone. I bottle it up, so actually… I mean, my wife’s here and I love her very much, but I could tell her to fuck off it would probably feel pretty nice for ten seconds before I had to deal with the consequences. *Waves into audience.* I love you. Do you know what I mean? And also, like, she knows I’m dying, so she’s sort of got to take it on the chin, whereas if I tell her to fuck off tonight, which I sort of have, I’m going to regret that. I could have picked anyone. I picked my wife and she’s here.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

I’ve got a £20 bet with Sam Pamphilon so I’ll say your kids. Just because at some point you’ve got to deal with the consequences with the shit you’re throwing around on this stage. You can pick which one’s front and which one’s back. It’s not so nice, is it?

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Well, I don’t believe in ghosts. *RH notes that if SM has seen a ghost, it could get him on the cover of The Daily Star.* I don’t have that level of fame. I’m realistic about where I am on the career ladder. I don’t believe in ghosts, but I lived in a – I did live in a house – it was on the High Street in Henley-on-Thames when I was doing work experience in 1999 when I was doing a management degree and I was working for some IT company and, um, everybody that came to that house was terrified. It was a tiny little house, one up, one down, like, tiny little – tiny little place. And it sort of had a lean-to on the back. There was a kitchen downstairs and a bathroom in the thing. And no one liked… You always kept the door shut downstairs in the lounge and upstairs in the bedroom, and no one liked the sort of backstairs. And everybody in the house were sort of uncomfortable in it. One night – it was during Christmas – and I woke up. I mean, the details mean nothing because [unclear], but it was the one night we’d slept with our heads at the bottom of the bed. I think that we’d been watching a movie on a laptop or something, or computer or something. So we changed the way around we were sleeping. But I woke up in the night and I woke up and I saw a woman and a child stood by the bed looking at me, holding hands. What was really weird about it was in that moment it was – it was the only time the house wasn’t scary to be in. It didn’t feel scary, which was strange. And – obviously this is bullshit – but this is what happened, and this is my recollection of it, but I’m at the point now, I kind of rub my eyes and sort of – And for some time was present, looking at that, to the point where I was comfortable that this was a thing. I guess I just look at ghosts now. But then so, for about five, ten minutes was present with that. But it was very, it was very calming, and eventually I decided I would try to shut my eyes and eventually just went back to sleep, but there’s a few – shut your eyes and just check it hadn’t gone into a horrible demon or anything, I guess. But, yes, but clearly that’s insane and I didn’t see a ghost because ghosts aren’t real. But I – as much as is possible – experienced looking at ghosts for ages, as I think you can given ghosts aren’t a thing. I realize that’s a ridiculous answer, but, yeah. But they’re not real, are they?

If you had a finger that could travel through time…

*RH notes that SM could play any video game with this magical finger.* I can do that without. I don’t need the portal to play games, so, um. So, I’ve only heard this one a couple of times on the podcast. How much can I see through the little hole? Can I take a second one and kind of stretch it and have a peek? *RH notes that this would be against the laws of time travel dynamics.* Yeah, where does that end? That would be madness. Can it go forward in time, or just back? *RH confirms that this is possible and that the finger could also go to different places in the present, but that this would be a waste.* Well, it could be in other places though. If there’s a thing right now I want to touch that isn’t here I’ve got to use the hole. When I’ve finally had enough, which I surely will and it won’t be long, I think what Id like to do is reach – I’d like to press “the button” that makes all the bombs go crazy. So if you could get, like, the big red button, wherever that is. I mean, there isn’t one, is there? In Russia there might be. Okay, well, I’d like to put my finger through and tick the box that says “yes, please, make the big red button that blows all the bombs.” And I’ll have a second bang at it and, yeah, make it all go. I’d like to destroy everything.

What do you think the tooth fairy is doing with all those teeth?

Oh shit. Is it like, um… Is it like trading? Are there different tiers? Like, can you short teeth? Can you bet on the tooth market? *RH notes that SM has a daughter, but that she’s probably not old enough to have lost any teeth.* Four – she’s not lost any teeth yet, no.

Have you ever grown cress?

Yeah, everyone’s grown cress. You have a little egg, you draw a face on it, you put cotton wool in it, and you wait, right? Who hasn’t grown cress?

Which is superior cress – land or water?

I didn’t know there were two. Is land cress the egg cup? Watercress is the stuff in the posh salad bags. The big stuff. Before it’s in the bags it comes from a place. I mean, I don’t think I’ve eaten the egg cup cress since I was little. Do you get that anywhere? It’s all watercress now, is it? Where do you get the little one from?

What is your favourite cruciferous vegetables?

Yeah, broccoli. Broccoli every time.

Would you rather suck off a troll or be bummed by a leprechaun?

I need to paint a picture. How big’s this troll? In Frozen, aren’t those little stand things trolls? They’re not very big. Trolls are fucking massive. *RH suggests that trolls have a barbed penis.* Yeah, but if the barb was big enough, I wouldn’t necessarily be getting that anywhere near my mouth, would I? Like, if it’s an 8-foot dick with a barb 3-foot down[…] It depends how big the troll is. *RH notes that gorillas are large but have small penises, which could also be the case for trolls.* Gorillas aren’t trolls, of course, famously. Okay, alright. Well, I’ll take an 8-foot troll with a 2-foot dick, which might have a barb on it. And leprechauns, they’re like that, aren’t they? *SM holds his hand about a foot off the ground.* Who’s cleaner though? That’s really what this is about, isn’t it? Oh hang on. Sorry, so the troll is going in the mouth. Oh, the bum. I wouldn’t even spot it; that’s fine. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I’ll take the leprechaun in the ass please, Richard.

Have you ever been in the proximity of one of your heroes and been too shy to say anything to them?

Dara Ó Briain’s Go 8 Bit wasn’t the first Dara Ó Briain show I did. So the first time I worked with Dara he had another show on Dave called School of Hard Sums and I went to some sort of wrap – because I was in one of the episodes, just like a little actor doing a bit in one of the things – I went to the wrap party and he was there and I was too scared to speak to him then. So, Dara Ó Briain, I was too scared to talk to. And now he won’t talk to me.


Recorded at the Northampton Deco.

RH polls the audience to determine who has given the most money as the tooth fairy for a lost tooth.