Title: Nipples Like Walnuts
Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: June 24, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: June 24, 2020
Please Welcome a Man
Who’s been wearing a bum bag on his face.
Richard Herring’s Lava Submerging Trauma Podcast
I was hanging around with some 4G conspiracy theorists. They’re great guys. 5G rather – conspiracy theorists. They think – and there were some 4G ones there as well. They weren’t as popular. And I said to them, “Do you not think it’s weird Boris Johnson has rolled out this 5G thing but then gets the coronavirus that’s caused it?” And they said, “No, that’s what they want you to think. That’s all part of it.” They had an answer for everything.
Guest Best Known
As the narrator of Family Guy: Ground Breaking Gags. That’ s why were’ all here. But of course to most of us we’ll always remember him as the host of Robert’s Web, whatever else he tries to do.
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Phoebe Herring: Would you rather fall into a pool of lava or, at the last minute, be eaten by a crocodile instead of falling into the pool of lava?
I think it’s got to be head-first into the lava because that’s the faster death. I mean, the crocodile it sounds like – I mean, it would be even slower than, like, when Quint buys the farm at the end of Jaws; and that looks pretty shagging painful. So when all the bloke comes out – I was allowed to watch that film on the telly when I was about eight. And yeah, that ending – that stayed with me. * RH points out that, as per PH’s drawing, the crocodile is in the lava.* So it’s a crocodile that doesn’t mind lava? Because the crocodile – if it was one of those crocodiles that doesn’t have any teeth and you can survive in the crocodile and the crocodile is lava-proof – that’s the best place to be, really. Yeah, it could be fun. It could be a whole new thing.
Over the last few months, I’ve watched every episode of How I Met Your Mother. What is the most degrading thing you’ve done to yourself for no apparent reason?
Uh… most degrading thing. God, I mean it really could be anything. Uh, I uh… God. Okay, my mind’s a blank. I mean, I’m literally going through a nightmare. The nightmare where somebody asks you a question and loads of other people are listening. I really can’t think of anything. *Circling back to this question when RH later on mentions Robert’s Web.* Yeah, Robert’s Web. Making four editions of Robert’s Web for no reason. Well, okay, for one reason – money. *RH asks whether it was enough money* It was clearly enough to do at the time. I can’t remember.
If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?
Uh, probably the whole of the Angel of the North. Its not in a museum. It’s on a hillside *RH confirms that it is an acceptable choice despite this.* But I think I’d like to have that on the top of my house. *RH asks RW how he thought the people of Ireland would react.* Probably quite similar to the people of Greece, the way they feel about the Elgin Marbles. I imagine they’d be quite pissed off. It would just be on a cultural loan. I’d just be borrowing it. It would just come to West Hampstead once a month. I know it’s quite a big… They would call it the Angel of Northwest Hampstead. *RH notes that this would make RW’s house easily identifiable.* It would be a bit of a give-away. Yep. *RH praises how the Angel of the North is rusting.* Almost, presumably, he thought of that. We should ask him. “Oh fuck, its going to be outside. It’s going to rain. What happens when it rains?”
Do you think you would have made a good sheriff in the Wild West?
No. Um, I think I would have been a very cowardly sheriff and I think I would have allowed all of the cowboys or gunslingers to more or less do what they liked. I would have been a peripatetic sheriff. I would have had to move from town to town. Go, you know, riding away from all the angry townsfolk who would be very distressed by how inadequate I’d been in my sheriffing duties. *RH asks whether RW could shoot a bad guy in that context.* With training, yes.
How obsessive are you about your bins?
I don’t know if it’s one of the things I’ve become more obsessive about. I quite enjoy – it’s a boring answer because I *referring to his heart* – this is all healed up now I’m quite enjoying being able to do nice gendered, lovely gendered male jobs like the bins. Yeah, I did go through a period of feeling slightly emasculated that Abbie, my wife, had to do the bins. Now it’s great that I can do the bins again, so I feel like I’ve got a penis back. And, yeah. So I’m quite enjoying the bins.
Is there an author who you would have liked to have heard read their own books on an audiobook from the past, before this technology existed?
Ooh, that’s a good question. I’m going to answer it with a sketch, which was the – David and I did a sketch for the radio show which was about recently found, never heard before audio files of Tennyson reading Charge of the Light Brigade. And we have these two stroke-y bearded intellectuals saying, “And now, for the first time, we’re going to listen to Alfred, Lord Tennyson. *Begins reciting Charge of the Light Brigade in a ridiculous, high-pitched voice.* He sounds quite camp. So I always liked the idea of, like, what would Thomas Hardy actually sound like? I think there is a recording of Hardy but you can only go so far back obviously, and what they actually found was, like, sometimes they actually do have quite squeaky voices.
This episode was live-streamed via Twitch, with RH and guest in each of their own homes due to COVID-19/coronavirus.
This is RW’s third appearance.
In the Youtube version, the theme music by Pest is not played during the intro credits.
RH shows a picture his daughter drew of him falling into lava/the mouth of a crocodile. RH says that he will ask an emergency question based on this.
RH states that – with inspiration from Sliding Doors – he will be attempting to popularize the word “shag” as a substitute for “fuck”.