Title: Uterus

acast Time: 1:12:57
Youtube Time: 1:12:30

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: September 23, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: September 23, 2020

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s travelling in time and space.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lovely Shiny TARDIS Podcast

Cool Kids
I was fighting the sea devils this week. They’re not the best-known of the Doctor Who monsters, but that’s what they look like there *shows photograph*. How cool is this? How cool is this? And they made a big impression on me, these sea monsters for some reason, when I was four. Especially the bit where Jo, the companion was climbing through a lighthouse window and you saw her bum. I think that’s why the sea devils spoke to the four year-old me.

Guest Best Known
For playing the Chemist’s Wife in Sick Of It.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I think I have, but it might just have been that I imagined it. You know, after my ayah passed away, I – she – I used to see her on my balcony all the time. And I was never afraid, because she literally used to take – She started with this when I was three weeks old, and then we had a hiatus when we were away and then we came back to India and she joined us. And I would see her drying my clothes on a line. And I was 18, 19 and I thought, That’s crazy. I was never scared. I was like, “That’s weird.” And then one day my mother said to me, she was making South Indian coffee, I remember, which you cool like this *mimes raising an object* and she said, “I’m going to ask you something. I don’t want you to get freaked out.” I’ve been seeing Amma all over the house. Have you?” And I was like, “I have.” And she said, “I feel like you might be holding something of hers.” And I had the nose thing of hers, you know? And I was like, “No, I haven’t.” So she said, “Ugh, we have to get the priests in.” So they got the priests and did all these prayers in the house. It’s called a havan. It’s like a big fire. And then Amma, I never saw her again. But when my mother said it I was like, “Oh.” But I wasn’t scared. *RH asks why SV allowed the priests to cleanse the house of her spirit.* I didn’t really have a choice. Because in Hinduism we want the soul to be free. To go to the next world and the next world. We don’t want to hold on to them. Because they’ve got a journey. They’ve got to go do their journey and then we have to come back. You know us. We’re, like, in a loop here. So we’re always, once someone passes away, all your prayers and all your wishes are for them to have a peaceful onward journey because they have to go through many, many worlds and they have a lot of karma to deal with.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

The Koh-i-Noor Diamond. I’d like it back, please. There you go. That’s what I want. I don’t want the big hat and all. I just want the diamond. *RH asks whether SV would keep it or give the diamond back to its country or origin.* No, I’d like to keep it. What do you mean? No, I would keep it first, then apparently it’s not great luck, so I would keep it first, then – If you really want to know what I would do with it, I would keep it, I would charge people money to see it for a while, and I would put that money into a fund for girls’ education in rural India. I’m not even joking. That’s something I’ve always – I’ve always thought if I ever make, you know, if comedy ever gets me to a place where… I mean, I already do a little bit, but I really want to do that because I think educating girls is literally amazing. My mother would not have been a therapist, you know, and would not have been the mother she was to me if her mother hadn’t said, “I really should get my daughters to school rather than get them married off at 13. But, quite apart from the noble thing, then what I would do is I would send it back to India – where we’re not great at keeping our artifacts very well. We – you know, we’re very busy taking care of a billion people. Then I would find a way to preserve it and keep it so, you know, people could see it but it would at least be back home. And, in fact, I think it’s from Persia originally, so there would probably be a fight there. But you know, I don’t really want to fight with the Ayatollahs; I think they’re quite nuts. Yeah, but I would make sure that we kept it in India but it was kept in a way that lots of people could see it because really the Koh-i-Noor thing really pisses me off. It does. And also it’s in that, like, crown. It’s, like, come on, man. Every time my kids go to this – what is it called? London – the Tower of London it’s there. And I’m like, “It’s not even theirs.” And they’re like, they always think I’m ranting about that kind of stuff.

How do you eat a soft-boiled egg?

I love soft-boiled eggs. Well, this is an important thing, because if you… How soft-boiled? *RH advises that you would be able to dip soldiers in the yolk.* Okay, well then the clear thing is that you’ve got to wait after they’re boiled, otherwise the white stuff comes off with the skin and there’s that membranous junk and that’s just horrible. So what I do is I wait a bit and then I crack it with a teaspoon. And then I peel off the shell. And then I take a little bit of the tip off, but not all of it so I can’t see the yellow yet. And then I use a teaspoon. […] *RH refutes this as the ideal way to eat a soft-boiled egg, saying that this is the way his wife eats hers but that the top should be lopped off instead.* Well, I mean I’m not cutting an eggshell to eat my egg. I’m sorry. You’re peeling it. *RH states that this method results in eggshell getting everywhere.* No, no, depends – I mean, listen. This speaks volumes about your peeling skills.

Notes

This episode was live-streamed via Twitch, with RH and guest in each of their own homes due to COVID-19/coronavirus.

Twitch background: Doctor Who TARDIS set

RH reads two jokes written by daughter Phoebe Herring.