Title: Calamari

acast Time: 1:07:43
Youtube Time: 1:06:54

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: December 30, 2020
Youtube Publication Date: December 30, 2020

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s babysitting his own kids. You’re not allowed to call it that. I’m looking after them. If anything goes wrong we’ll be in trouble.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lorry Storage Twatted Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging around with my family over Christmas and those – the younger ones who survived…

Guest Best Known
For being one of the new team on the show Press Gang, one of my favourite TV shows of all time.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Emergency Questions

What’s the worst internet date you’ve ever had?

*RH prefaces this question with the story of a man who was willingly eaten by a cannibal, who found that the man’s penis was inedible.* Yeah,  was going to say though that when you said that the penis was really disappointing to eat, of course it is. All penises are really disappointing to eat. You’re going to put that thing in your mouth that’s been in whatever hole, wherever? […] I didn’t do the blind date internet dating. I went on First Date. Yeah, and that was the… Yeah. It was in a hotel in France and, um, they sort of grill you, like, “What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?” And then basically they more or less tell you what you’re getting. Um, so I knew  was going to get a really tall, kind of rugby player-ish type bloke. But what I realized subsequently now is that what I would have preferred was somebody with personality, instead of just girth and size. And I went all the way to France and then sat at the bar. Got on really well with Merlin, the barman, and then this beast of a man walked up the stairs and he hadn’t even gotten in the door and I went, “No. No.” And then I had to st and have dinner with this man who basically told me that the reason to have kids was so that they could look after you in your old age. […] Yeah, and then he sort of, like… Not that, you know, um… I said, “How do you like France?” And he said, “Oh, I’ve never been before.” Okay, fine. And then he said, “I had to get a passport for this.” I was like, oh okay. And his mum still did his washing and everything and then blah, blah, blah. So basically my dating wasn’t that successful. And then durng that date they said, “That’s gone horrifically. We’ve rung the UK and we’re getting somebody else sent over.” So then I stayed the next day and then got food poisoning from the meal I’d had with the beast, um, and shat my way around the hotel. Because I wasn’t – I wasn’t actually supposed to stay as long as I did, so they kept moving me to different rooms while new people were coming and going. […] You know what? I was exhausted because I was aware there were cameras everywhere. There were cameras in the rooms, in the bedrooms – everywhere. So I was exhausted from having to be nice for about four or five days. And I was, like, really aware that, Oh God, whatever I did. “Oh, do I want to stay a bit longer? Yes, I do. So I’d better be really nice about everything.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Well, I had a man get into bed with me once. I mean, back in the day it wasn’t really that unusual, Richard. But, I – he, I was sort of awake, but not really awake. I rolled over and this man pulled the duvet up and went *puts pointer finger to lips*,”Shhhh.” A bit creepy. And I was, like, fuck. And then – sort of, like; I was, like, What the fuck was that? And then I looked again and he wasn’t there. He was gone. *RH suggests that LC had been sleeping and dreamed the interaction.* You see, you say that, but I’ve had things happen durking, like, while I’ve been fully awake. I lived in a flat once where plates would go across the kitchen. I lived on my own. I lived on my own, so it wasn’t, it wasn’t the neighbours breaking in and chucking my crockery. Although, was it? We just don’t – Yeah, you have to think logically about these things. Or a mouse on my draining board. Yeah, yeah. […] ‘ve got my tarot cards here, Richard. Me and my mum – there’s a college, now then, you’ll probably think I’m bonkers now. *RH confirms that he does.* Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, that’s fine. Well, you’re open-minded that I’m bonkers. There’s a college in Stansted Mountfitchet. Stansted Mountfitchet. And it’s a college for people to go and learn how to be weirdos. It’s like Hogwarts, but for adults. And it runs all year-round, every year. And you can just go and meet people that are bonkers, or people that have had genuine, sort of, experiences of these sort of things, and it’s fascinating. I’ve sat in a séance. I’ve sat in a séance. I’ve heard Judy Garland sing at me. I mean, you know. I mean, you’re laughing, Richard, looking at me. *RH questions why Garland would bother with that particular séance.* Because why wouldn’t she want to be near Standsted Airport? Why wouldn’t she be there? Because, you know, I’m sure it’s got some nice bits, around Standsted. You know, you just don’t know, do you?

When, do you imagine, was the last time Santa had sex? With who or what? Do you think he could get it up after all the booze?

I can tell you when that was. Uh, because when I was about four or five I walked in on Santa having sex with mum. So, I don’t know whether that was the last time he had sex but no child needs to witness that, do they? After you’ve been woken up; well, Santa’s just put the presents – I don’t know about you, but we used to have presents on the end of our bed on Christmas Eve. And Santa very kindly brought this present, which actually was a Bunty Annual, thank you. Nicola’s, Blue Peter. Nicola’s my sister. And then I sort of wandered off, thinking, Oh, where’s Santa gone? I wandered into my mum and dad’s bedroom and witnessed Santa giving my mother a good seeing-to. Emptying his sacks all over the place, Richard. And no child needs to see that, thank you. *RH and LC discuss how this might be a perk of the job for Santa.* I just like to think that as he went ’round there were just some women laying on beds, eating mince pies, letting him get on with it and pulling the nightie down when they’re finished.

Do you actually enjoy New Year’s Eve? Isn’t it just too close to Christmas?

Yeah, I’ve never really been that bothered about New Year’s Eve. It’s, uh, meh. Nothing for me. Sometimes I have been known to try and go to bed early so that it’s just over and done with. *RH asks whether LC has ever performed on New Years Eve.* Yes, I have done. […] I’ve worked at New Year’s. Quite a nice evening. People are worn out. They just, you know, they’ve got away from their in-laws or their parents and they just think, Oh God, I can breathe and have a bit of a giggle. That’s it, isn’t it?

Who is the most inappropriate person you’ve ever had a sex dream about?

My inappropriate sex dream – and this is horrific. While you were telling your story there I was thinking, I don’t know whether I can say or tell you that it was my granddad. But, um, yeah. And he was in a bar. And, you know, it’s those dreams where you’re, like, Ugh, I don’t know whether that was actually real or it actually happened. Um, so there was that one.

Notes

This episode was live-streamed via Twitch, with RH and guest in each of their own homes due to COVID-19/coronavirus.

Twitch background: Lorry park site.

At the 22:26 mark, Lou Conran’s video freezes, requiring her to leave the interview, then rejoin.

After LC responds to the ghost emergency question, RH removes the green screen, revealing his attic. RH asks LC to confirm whether there are any ghosts in his attic.

LC reads RH’s tarot cards.

RH reveals that he once had a sex dream about Emma Kennedy.