Title: Only Available Together

acast Time: 1:07:17
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: June 23, 2021
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who can’t believe he’s about to be able to do his “You’re much better than last week’s audience” joke again, for the first time in ages.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Labelling Sow Turds Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to BTS this week. I call them BTS. You know who I mean – the K-pop, K-pop band. I don’t need to tell you. I love K-pop; I love K-popping around. Listening to all the K-pop. My favourite is SuperM – that’s what I call them – SuperM. They put the “U” in “sperm,” those guys. I think they might be called “Super” “M,” but, you know, if you were cool you’d find that joke funny. There are some kids at home, “That was a funny joke, when he called them SuperM. They put the “U” in “sperm.”

Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Tractor Monkeys and she is, as you’ll know, a BAFTA Award-losing actress.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH present

Emergency Questions

Have you ever seen someone shit in public?

Yeah. No, no, no. I was – this is when one of my kids – I picked up one of my daughter from nursery. And I went with a couple of mums. It was such a boring story. I’m so sorry, this story sucks. I’m going to go through with it anyway. And we went to Carluccio’s, which is in Putney; it sort of looks over the Thames. And it was really low-tide and I was watching a guy, um, from a distance. And he went over to the Thames and he was, um, I don’t, well… Anyway, so he went over and he pulled his pants down and he did a poo and then, he, uh, was bathing himself, like, washing himself in the Thames. I know. And I just watched the whole – I was absolutely fascinated. Just watching a grown man, like… I wonder how he got there? Like, how do you get to the point where it’s mid-day and you’re taking a shit in the Thames, and then using it as a bidet. Like, he was actually using the Thames as a bidet. And my daughter’s choking on pesto pasta, and I’m like… And I was telling the other mums, I was like, “Guys, guys, I think he’s going to do a shit.” And everyone was, like, [unclear]. “No, he’s doing it. He’s actually – Oh my God, guys.” And no one was on my wavelength.

Would you rather have an extra thumb on each hand, which you can do now with robotics, and it gives you – you put it there and it means you can, like, hold onto something and then still use your other thumb; you can have them on both hands – or be able to shoot poo out of your bum like a cannon. And I should say, you can’t kill anyone with the poo. If it hits them they’ll be covered with poo, or if it’s a hard poo, like, augh! And you can turn it on and off; it’s not like every time you go to the toilet *makes cannon noise.*

Okay, is this only in the moment when I need a poo or can I at will go, “I’m go to shoot a poo out.” *RH confirms it’s at will.* At will? Definitely that. Definitely. If I could be the master of it, so that it wasn’t happening to me. That is such a great superpower. If you could, at will, back one out with such force that you could smite your enemy. I’d definitely do that. Oh, it’s not going to hurt them? Oh. Well then the thumbs. Would you quit wasting my time? I feel like Geoff [Norcott, the previous guest] go thinkier questions. Is that the word, “thinkier”? I think that’s the word.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

Yeah. And do you know what’s really aggravating, is when I sign a t-shirt, or when someone’s like, “Sign my tits! I read your thesis, Sarah Kendall.” And then I’m halfway through and I know they’ve got me mixed up. It’s the wrong Sarah Kendall. But I’ve already sign their tits and I’m like, I’m not going to back out.

Would you rather have the ability to produce honey from your stomach or be able to make a pearl in your gallbladder every ten years? You would have a special honey stomach and sick the honey up through your mouth, producing ten kilograms of honey per year, which you could eat or sell to unsuspecting members of the public. Each pearl would be $8000 American dollars, but you would have to pass it with your urine via your urethra to get it out.

I have a honey stomach? That I can then eat? And I’m producing ten kilos per year? What’s that per day? Like, how much do I sick up? Do I sick up every day or ten kilos in one go at the end of the calendar year? So a tablespoon – I’d sick up a tablespoon when I felt like it but ten kilos has to come out of me in a 365-day year. I think this is that thing of would you rather have 20 pounds now or 60 pounds at the end of the month. *RH notes that this scenario is nothing like his question.* That’s a good point. You’re absolutely right. No similarity whatsoever. This is just like Sisyphus. I think I’m going to go with the honey because on the mornings when I have run out of honey I go, “Fucking hell. I’ve got to get honey.” And I’ll never have to feel that way again. I will never have to because I can sick up honey onto my children’s breakfast. And they can go, “Can I have some honey on this?” And I go, “Absolutely.” *Vomiting noise.* And then spew it on. And also, like, when people have got goat’s cheese on a baguette. Like, honey on goat’s cheese – that’s nice. That’s a nice… *RH asks whether SK would prefer to sick up solid or runny honey.* Solid. Solid with honeycomb. Chunks – yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah, I think just being able to produce – I would also like to do a thing where I would go… I’ve waited 364 days, I’m not going to produce ten kilos in one sitting. And then to just, like, into a ten kilo ejaculation of honey out of my mouth.

Notes

Recorded at the Clapham Grand in South London. Due to COVID-19/coronavirus the audience was socially-distanced.

This is SK’s third appearance.

RH is wearing the same suit that he wore at the last live recording, approximately 14 months earlier.

RH notes that during lockdown he decided to never revisit old material.

The public shitting emergency question is based on a scene from SK’s television programme Frayed.