Title: Thirty Years of Thirty Years of Hurt

acast Time: 1:09:10
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: July 21, 2021
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s been solo parenting and is amazed that he’s still got two kids.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Losers Shall Triumph Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to the inventor of Quatro the other day: Ian Quatro. He invented – come on, kids – the Quatro! You must remember the Quatro soft drink from 1982 to 1989. It was pineapple, orange, passionfruit, and grapefruit. Those were the four constituents; came together to make Quatro. I was also talking to Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton, who created the famous TV ad campaign for the Quatro. You all remember that.

Guest Best Known
For playing the Art Bidder in Filthy Rich & Catflap.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
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Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

Would you rather have a conversation with a dolphin or an elephant?

I think probably a dolphin because when dolphins speak to you , right? They just go, “Click, click, click, click, click,” right? And you could work that out with Morse code and all that. But, uh – because I assume that’s what it is. It’s Morse code, isn’t it? I assume that’s what it is. And I assume it’s mainly, “Can I have some fish?” I don’t know. But it might be more interesting than that. And also, aren’t they quite sexual, dolphins? So they might be interested in that, so that would be good. I believe they are, aren’t they? They are. *RH asks why DB would be interested in having sex with a dolphin.* I’m interested in having sex with anything at my age. Uh, but an elephant – as much as I like elephants – it’s a really loud – I don’t know if you know this – it’s a really loud popping noise that they make. *DB imitates elephant call.* And after a while that would get hard to listen to. I’d like to ask [an elephant] what it’s like having a very long memory. Because, I don’t know if you know, they’ve got that as well. “Why are you scared of mice?” I would say that as well.

Would you rather have the ability to produce honey from your stomach or be able to make a pearl in your gallbladder every ten years? You would have a special honey stomach and sick the honey up through your mouth, producing ten kilograms of honey per year, which you could eat or sell to unsuspecting members of the public. Each pearl would be $8000 American dollars, but you would have to pass it with your urine via your urethra to get it out.

Definitely the fucking honey. I mean, definitely. For a start, passing anything through my urethra, apart from urine or sperm, is a bad idea, I think. *RH notes monetary value of each pearl.* You see, I think you’re thinking about me in the stereotype there. You’re thinking, He’ll definitely – He’ll take any pain through his uncircumsized urethra for that pearl. That’s what you’re thinking. So no, I don’t want the pearl. It would just be awful. How quickly does it come out, the pearl? *RH notes the speed would be that of  gallstone.* That’s quite slow, isn’t t? Eight thousand pounds. My worry is, who is actually going to buy that and where it around their neck when it’s been up my cock? *RH speaks glowingly of a potential market.* Would there? David Baddiel’s cock pearls. They’re all round here. It’s a weird pearl necklace thing, so I don’t want that. No. I want the honey, but I’m not sure who would eat the honey as well. I mean, this has been pointed out before, I think, but, I mean, honey coming out of my cock, I don’t think people would want either – to spread on their toast in the morning. But it is kind of weird that – how does it come out of bees? Is it vomit? *RH isn’t aware.* Okay, but it’s weird that if it is insect vomit, that we’re alright with that in the morning and we think that’s nice. Okay, well that then. That’s the answer. I’d like in jars and sold at farm shops. Could I make candles out of it as well? Because people make candles out of beeswax and stuff. I’d have to do a lot – am I wanking for this honey? *RH statesvisual that it was DB’s choice for the honey to come from his cock, whereas the original question posited the honey was vomited.* Oh yes, you’re right. I forgot the pearl’s coming out of my cock and the honey’s coming out of my mouth. I’m sorry. I got confused.

Would you rather go on a cruise with Tom Cruise or a walking holiday with Christopher Walken?

Okay, that’s a very good one. I wouldn’t want to go on a cruise with anyone because I believe they are Covid hellholes. So outdoors, mask-free, with Christopher Walken – even though he might shoot me, because I believe he’s quite like that. *RH notes that Christopher Walken might shoot himself.* That would be alright. That would be a quite interesting moment in our ramble with Christopher Walken. He does an amazing version in the Simpsons of Goodnight Moon. Have you ever heard it? *Imitating Christopher Walken:* “Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Moon.” Anyway, that’s my Christopher Walken impression. Can you do one? Its one of those impressions that people can do. Very good dancer. That would be good for the walking.

Notes

Recorded at the Clapham Grand in South London. Due to COVID-19/coronavirus the audience was socially-distanced.

This is DB’s third appearance.

For the listeners at home, RH notes that he nearly fell over in his chair.

DB and RH agree that of all the people to be diagnosed with testicular cancer, having it happen to RH is the funniest of all possible choices.

At time mark 46:32, DB reads an excerpt from his book Jews Don’t Count.

The Tom Cruise/Christopher Walken emergency question receives a round of applause from the audience.