Title: Hand Carved Penis

acast Time: 1:11:44
Youtube Time: Time

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: August 25, 2021
Youtube Publication Date: Date

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s had to deal with his son’s dirty penis.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lovely Sturdy Tent Podcast

Cool Kids
I was hanging out at the North Norfolk Wizard Maze today. For people at home, that is a real thing. Sounds like I’ve made that up. And some 13 year-old boys with flick knives, right in the middle […] And then they took all my sandwiches.

Guest Best Known
For being Beard of the Year, 2011.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note

Emergency Questions

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

Well, as everybody should know, I’m an non-observant Jew and I don’t hold with the God of Picky Eating, so I have no issue with that ham. But the hand made out of ham seems to have less utility than the armpit, which dispenses sun cream. Is it restorative ham? * RH confirms it is.* Oh, it regrows? And I would get to choose [which type of ham]? *RH confirms this is the case.* And do you smell, on a daily basis, of ham? *RH confirms JR would smell of ham.* But then you’re going to have vagrant dogs running after you, wanting to eat your hand. And you’ll have canine spittle, because at some point you’ll have to sacrifice a middle finger to the ravaging hordes. Yeah, I’ll have the hand of ham. The hand of ham. *RH notes that JR is not bothered by the sun cream.* No, I’m not. I’m quite swarthy. It’s because I’m a Jew.

If you had to be a piece of fruit, what kind of fruit would you rather be out of all the fruits?

Um, I’m immediately drawn to the banana. You know, you never know what might happen to it en route, and that can be a fun adventure.

Would you rather have the ability to produce honey from your stomach or be able to make a pearl in your gallbladder/kidney every ten years? You would have a special honey stomach and sick the honey up through your mouth, producing ten kilograms of honey per year, which you could eat or sell to unsuspecting members of the public. Each pearl would be $8000 American dollars, but you would have to pass it with your urine via your urethra to get it out.

There’s a very significant question I have to ask here, which is, how does the pearl reach the outside world? Do you have to pass it like you would a kidney stone? *Audience members chime in.* It’s a vote. Listen, it’s me you’re asking, so I take control of this. If you think I should take the honey, hand up. And if you think I should take the pearl pushed out of my penis? I’m quite impressed by how many people actually want to see me in writhing pain. *RH notes the amount of money per year JR would make creating pearls.* Yeah, but I’m worth more than that. I’ll take the honey. There are honeys which can go for nothing like $8000. I’m slightly concerned about the admin for the honey. That’s a lot of, “I’m sorry, I just have to go away and vomit up a lot of honey. Sorry. It’s a thing.” You go on holiday and, “Oh, I’ve still got to deal with the honey.” So I’m now leaning towards the pearl, which is only once every eight years? Ten years. I actually think on a kind of life disturbance basis I’m going for the pearl. Yeah, it’s the pearl. *JR receives round of applause.*

Would you rather be the most famous and successful person of all time, but only after you’ve died, or get 2-for-1 meals at Harvester for the rest of your life?

No question, I want to be the most famous person, but only after I’ve died. *RH suggests that JR is not a fan of Harvester.* No, no, I’m fine.

Would you rather have to live the rest of your life with Emu from Rod Hull and Emu grafted onto your arm, and you have to keep him moving and reacting at all times, even when you’re on your own, or have to have a full bath every day and once it’s over have to drink all the bath water before you’re allowed to do anything else?

I mean, the bath water would kill you. Every day. Drinking that would result in… *RH suggests that Emu grafted onto his arm would kill JR.* That was a fucking annoying act, wasn’t it? I do think the bath water thing would kill you on the first happening, and so I’m going for the Rod Hull Emu.


Recorded at the Interlude Theater in Norwich. Due to COVID-19/coronavirus the audience was outside in a tent.

This show had previously been postponed twice.

When asking the honey vs. pearl emergency question, RH notes that the pearl had previously been born in the gallbladder, but listener complaints that the penis does not connect to the gallbladder led RH to change it to the kidney.