Title: Send in the Clones

acast Time: 57:57
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: September 8, 2021
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who tried and failed to sleep in a bath.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Leicester Square Theatre Podcast. Thank God I don’t have to come up with a stupid fucking name for it.

Cool Kids
I was hanging out with Sir Michael Palin 18 months ago. It was the best day of my life. And then I got punished. I got punished for having the best day of my life. And so did all of you, but you’ve still got two testicles, most of you. You’ve still got as many testicles as you started with. Most of you. And thank God every day, by the way, that Sir Michael Palin did not Covid. And I didn’t kill Sir Michael Palin. Anyway, he calls it…

Guest Best Known
TC: For playing Camilla in Birds of a Feather.
SM: For being Female Stevie in Peter Dibdin sketch on Twitch of Fun.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

If there was an exact clone of you made – And it’s not a twin; it’s an actual copy of you. It’s you inside as well. So it’s actually you. Your mind. It’s got your brain as well, and your personality and your soul. And it’s the same age as you, because if you’re going to clone something it would be a baby first and that would make this an inappropriate question. Is it okay to have sex with it?

TC: Does it know it is a clone? What, the clone wants to have sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m not one to [unclear] with anyone else but with myself, absolutely. I can’t reject myself. I’d be interested to see, like, what the vibe is. Like, what’s going on. Well, me and the clone would both be incredibly nervous and weird about it, so I think it would be very disappointing for both of us. There’s consent, but neither of us are really up for it. What am I doing with the clone? Do I have to live with it? *RH confirms they need only have sex with the clone.* What, and then it dies or something? It orgasms, then it expires. That’s the end. Oh my God, it’s science and technology. A miracle happens and all I use it for is to awkwardly have sex with myself.

SM: [Unclear] weirdly with myself. Terrible prude. No thank you. I don’t know. Okay, so the clone wants it, is that right? Your clone’s horny. Your clone’s really putting on the moves. Yeah, alright, the clone’s horny. Yeah, alright. I’ll give it a go. I’ll do it. To please the clone.

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

TC: No. It’s a robot. A Westworld-style robot or a roomba? I think cheating is more about the lying and the power dynamic and all of that. And really, so if you ask your partner f you can have sex with somebody… *RH notes that he likes the lying aspect of the robot sex.* Right. Okay, in which case, yes, it is cheating to have sex with a robot,

SM: You’d have to have a chat about it though, I think. If you walked in on your partner having sex with a robot… I don’t think it’s cheating. I just think it’s – If I didn’t know it was going to be happening… Yeah. You walk in and it would be, like… Also, I suppose if they’re really brilliant I’d just think he was having sex with Gemma Chan. “Wow, that lady’s gorgeous. Can I join?” If cheating’s there it’s, like, there.

Have you ever attempted to create a monument that will stand for millennia? How did you get on?

*RH describes his stone clearing but does not request information from guests.*

Who did you last wave your bare bum at?

TC: Oh you probably [unclear]. She loves to wave her bum. Absolutely obsessed with it.

SM: Will moon at the drop of a hat. Mooned on a family Zoom, just to liven it up. It did, it did. My sister, yeah, my sister gets her boobs out at weird moments during family things. Oh, during family dinners. T’s a lot of fun. And we all laugh and I get my bum out. You get your bum out quite a lot. We did a, before Edinburgh, we trying to figure out this dance when we were in the sketch group and we, in order to figure it out, we’d sort of record ourselves then watch it back to see if it was working. It was 4:00am before the first show. It was just nice because when we watched it back the whole time Tessa was just getting her bum out. It’s just like, “Oh!” We didn’t realize. […] Just to lighten the mood.

If you had to be given oral sex by a dinosaur, if you had to be, which dinosaur would you like to be mouthed to completion by?

TC: Again, does the dinosaur understand? Is there consent? Diplodocus, obviously. Diplodocus. No questions. What about you? A pterodactyl or something?

SM: No, I think I’d go for a stegosaurus because it looks very gentle. And also it’s got kind of the danger of the horn. Could go wrong.

What would it take for you to teabag Jacob Rees-Mogg?

TC: Absolutely nothing. No impetus. I’d do it in a heartbeat.

What is the most unlikely thing you’ve seen up a mountain?

TC: I’ve never been up a mountain. I don’t think so. A bit of, like, a large hill. No, I’ve been up Arthur’s Seat and things. Is that a mountain? Oh right, not – A hill isn’t enough, right? *RH confirms he will accept hills.* I think I once saw two people having sex, but at such a distance I’m open to the idea that it was anything else. […] I saw one of those stones… A big stone. No, you know, when people make those balancing stones.

Have you ever experienced a child regressing to a previous life or have you ever regressed to a previous life?

TC: Um, yeah. Our neighbour used to think – He was obsessed with the weather. He was about five. And very, very obsessed with the weather. And he would say that he had previously been at the Battle of Agincourt. Yeah, aged five. *SM asks what the weather was like.* Raining. It was raining. So when it rained he would say, “Ugh, it’s raining again. Like Agincourt.” He was five. And everyone was like, “Yeah, I believe. I think he really was there. You know?” *RH asks whether TC researched whether it had actually rained during the Battle of Agincourt.* It was raining, yeah.

SM: I’ve never had that, but when I was younger, I obviously remember because I was, like, two I would tell people that my name was Colin and that I was a computer programmer. Because my dad’s friend was, was that and obviously in the pram and stuff when I first learned to speak, I was like, “My name’s Colin!” My mum just didn’t correct me. It was nice.

Notes

This is SM’s second appearance.

Despite working together extensively over the past year, this marks the first in-person meeting for RH and SM.

RH describes the best methodology for loading a dishwasher.