Title: Vice Versa

acast Time: Time
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: October 6, 2021
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who ran over ten miles yesterday.

Acronym Modification
N/A

Cool Kids
I was talking to Barnaby the Bear the other day. Who remembers Barnaby the… Oh wow, more than I thought actually. *Sings theme tune.*

Guest Best Known
As Police Office Panda in Peppa Pig.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

How many cheese graters do you have in your abode?

Two. It’s quite a recent development, actually. Yes, we bought a second one. But yeah, we had just a normal cheese grater and then my wife said she’d like a cheese grater that had a sort of thing you could stick underneath it to catch all the gratings so you don’t just grate on a plate. She said she’d always wanted a cheese grater like that and she thought, she thought that wed been sufficiently wealthy to enjoy that luxury for some time and it was perverse that we hadn’t, you know, availed ourselves of that. So yes, we finally did. And it’s a better form of grater, but we haven’t disposed of or given away the first grater. No, it’s just, like, a standard sort of – different sorts of gratings on the four sizes of it. But the tub can sort of wedge into the bottom of it to catch 100% of the gratings that would go on the inside. The outside, obviously there could be a certain amount of spray. *RH notes that a plate could have been used to catch all the gratings, inside or out.* I don’t know. I think there’s something about the neatness of the tub that appealed to us. Now you say that, I’m worried it was a big mistake.

Do you think the photo that will accompany your obituary has yet been taken or do you think it will come in the future?

I think it’s already been taken. *RH notes that DM is so famous that he will have an extensive obituary, including more than one photograph, including one from Peep Show.* I would have thought Peep Show would be the photograph. *RH and DM posit future photographs DM could have taken and under what circumstances.* The trouble is – The terrible thing is, is that if I did a load of murders it would somehow then become inappropriate to still use the photograph from Peep Show. Apparently you can’t be someone who did an enjoyable sitcom and then did a spree killing. You know, we’re insufficiently complex as an organism to appreciate that people are complicated. That’s actually – I’ve contradicted myself. I’ve said we’re insufficiently complex to understand that people are complicated. It’s just our media. Our media isn’t equal to the task of understanding the full, huge complexity and different moods that make up a human being, that could allow them, in one moment, to do a funny joke and, in another moment, to do a terrible crime.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

Can I get something from the café? Ah, I don’t know. I don’t… I don’t know whether in gen – Okay, I do fancy something, actually. I was thinking in general I don’t care about stuff in that way. You know, I like mugs. We were discussing earlier how it would be nice if you got a free mug for doing this. So maybe next time I will. I often buy a mug or a Christmas decoration in the gift shop of a, of a museum, but that’s no – I wouldn’t – I – So  can have anything? I think that wonky helmet from Sutton Hoo. I think that would be good. *RH asks whether DM would wear the helmet at home.* Yes.  Yes, now you say that I realize I would wear it around the house. Yeah, yeah. And eventually would kind of abrade my head and rust would get in and I’d die of tetanus. And that would be a fitting end to the person who had deprived the nation of the brilliant helmet from Sutton Hoo.

Would you rather eat a full Christmas dinner for every meal, every day, or eat a medium-sized Easter egg every two hours for the rest of your life?

Well, I mean, it’s not an attractive life choice either way, but I think I’d go Christmas dinner. I love Christmas dinner and it’s quite – Because of all the trimmings, in a sense it’s because you could probably vary it. I’m not saying that I would be permitted to not have all the trimmings at every meal, but you could change the amounts of different trimmings in order to sort of vary… Whereas with the Easter eggs that is one substance that you’re endlessly consuming. So I’d go for Christmas because it’s a range of substances.

Would you rather have an extra thumb on each hand, which you can do now with robotics, and it gives you – you put it there and it means you can, like, hold onto something and then still use your other thumb; you can have them on both hands – or be able to shoot poo out of your bum like a cannon. And I should say, you can’t kill anyone with the poo. If it hits them they’ll be covered with poo, or if it’s a hard poo, like, augh! And you can turn it on and off; it’s not like every time you go to the toilet *makes cannon noise.*

*RH makes comment about having to pull down one’s pants in order to implement the poo cannon.* That’s the thing that I would find embarrassing, is the moment where I’m taking my trousers and pants down before people realize the amazing justification for this action. They’re thinking, Hang on, what’s that? And then they obviously go, Wow! Of course. I’m so sorry I doubted you. I thought you were just a pervert, but in fact you’re an amazing shitter. So I would find that an embarrassing moment. And so then there’s a risk I would never use my superpower because I’d be too embarrassed to take my trousers and pants down in public. *RH imagines a piece of clothing specifically designed for discrete poo cannon use.* Like a Velcro tailcoat thing.

Would you rather have real-life VAR (the controversial Video Assistant Referee used in football matches) […] or only be able to earn a living as a look-alike of someone famous? Although you would be allowed to style your hair and wear appropriate clothes, you would not be able to change your face to look like a famous person. You would have to choose a famous person you most resemble and then only be employable as their look-alike. You can’t change your initial decision, even if in later years you start to resemble someone else or if you are much too old to be the person you chose.

And you can’t seek renumeration in any other way? You have to earn your living. No other money is allowed. Just top it up with temping or bar work. You’ve got to, No, I have to continue to try  and be a look-alike for, you know… I don’t know. I’m confused by this one as well because video referee, that’s like a superperson. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? And the other thing is a bad thing. Whereas usually they’re both bad, like you can only eat one thing, but differently bad. Or they’re both good as in, you know… But in this one’s good and one’s bad. because with the video referee you could just not use it. So I’ve got my current life. *RH notes that if this was DM’s selection, then he would have to use it.* Constantly? […] But you have to. And what constitutes an argument, then? Would it not get to the point where an exchange of remarks that’s just a little bit tense and not overtly confrontational… That’s still hugely preferable to having to earn your living as a look-alike. I mean, you tell me who I look like. Do I look like – *RH mentions that if one – such as Jeannette Charles – looked like the Queen they could earn a living impersonating her.* Yeah, but I don’t look like the Queen. I mean, I don’t know. Who do I…? I don’t look like Beyoncé. I don’t know. I don’t think I look like anyone. *Audience member suggests that DM resembles Phil Collins.* Do I look like Phil Collins? Well, I’m familiar with one of his albums *in reference to a previous story in which DM bought a copy of a Phil Collins album*. But I’m not sure – he’s a drummer, isn’t he? *RH mentions that Phil Collins doesn’t drum anymore.* I’ll be closer to being able to impersonate him, then. Does his son count as a celebrity. Do I look like him?

Would you rather find a magical land at the back of your wardrobe or be caught up in a tornado?

I think – Now that would be – I think that could be psychologically damaging; to have been aroused to the point of orgasm by a weather phenomenon. But would it leave you desperately seeking that again? Because that would be impossible to achieve. *RH points out that storm chasers already exist.* Is that why they do it? “Stick your dick in the weather.” I think the truth is I’m probably too repressed a person to properly enjoy being sucked off by a tornado. So… And obviously just being in a tornado would be traumatizing, so I think I’d probably go for the Narnia magical land. *RH asks whether DM would rather go to Narnia or Oz.* Narnia. It’s a much more, you know, British aesthetic. Much more, yea – The lamp post, the snow… Yeah, I’m very comfortable with that.

What would you rather have named after you: the public toilet in the centre of your town or an embarrassing disease? The toilet would have a big neon sign above it them which would say, “The *Guest Name* Toilet.” The embarrassing disease would be mentioned on the news a lot and be caught by one in four people. Realistically, you would also need to be the first person to have the disease for it to carry your name.

It’s a risk. You know, there are lots of David Mitchells. So there’s a constant risk that some disease will be named after another David Mitchell. I think I’d definitely go for the toilet. Yeah, apart from everything else I’m a comedian and, you know, there’s lavatorial humour. People might think that I’m in control of the joke. I might be able to conceal my deep embarrassment. Also, sitting in the centre of your town. Because I live in London. So, are we talking… Are there loos in Trafalgar Square? I don’t know. This is potentially the most promising lavatory in the country. So I think I would, I would go for that and pretend that it just shows what a great sense of humour I have. What a sport I am. And how people should continue to believe that if I went on Taskmaster I would not reveal myself to be a monster.

Notes

This is DM’s third appearance.

RH welcomes the audience live-streaming the episode.

RH demonstrates recent weight loss by putting on and taking off an old pair of trousers.

RH mentions that the Friday prior to recording this he’d recorded the Would You Rather audiobook with previous gust Stevie Martin.

DM is complimentary about the chairs provided. RH notes that for the podcast series run the LST allows the chairs to be stored there, but RH has to transport them home by truck once the series is over.

RH recounted a dream where he’d attended an orgy with his wife. Upon arrival his wife barred him from entry, and upon emerging from the orgy his wife had become a lesbian.

RH describes the hospital staff’s attempts to maintain RH’s modesty while simultaneously scanning his testicles.

RH states that the original version of the emergency questions was, “Would you rather find a magical land at the back of your wardrobe or be sucked off in a tornado?” This was modified to appeal to a wider audience. When asking DM this question, RH includes the sucking off part.