Title: Monkey Paw

acast Time: 1:07:56
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: December 29, 2021
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s burst more car tires in 2021 than he has testicles.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lockdown Stuffs Turkey Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to the Omicron variant, actually.

Guest Best Known
For playing Chlamydia in Comedy Cuts.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH confirms that he does not remember the Hemeling mentioned in the first emergency question

Emergency Questions

Would you rather be Hemeling?

*RH explains that Hemeling was a brand of lager whose slogan was, “Wouldn’t you rather be Hemeling?”* So they were using it as a verb? *RH noted that he’d thought that question would make one person laugh.* And you were wrong.

Would you rather go to Eaton or Grange Hill?

Well, I mean, with tits it doesn’t make much sense for me to go to either. I think I’d immediately be thrown out. No, girls don’t go to Eaton, do they? Boys only. Yeah. […] I went to a school much more like Grange Hill. In fact, there was a girl at my school who also went to Grange Hill, which is confusing. Um, yeah. So, I would have been much more at home at Grange Hill. * Conversation turns to theorizing that someone probably drowned at Grange Hill at some point.* Growing up, my local swimming pool – you’ll probably have to cut this out – someone did drown there and it was the flumes. Like, these amazing water slides, and it always packed. And someone had died there and we went there the next week and sort of took some family friends with us. We didn’t tell them that someone had drowned, because we knew it would be really empty. And it was and we had a brilliant time. And afterwards we were like, “Sorry, someone drowned.”

Would you rather work for MI5 or MFI?

I mean, God, this really is exposing my weaknesses because I would be terrible in both of those. No, I could work at MFI, if I didn’t have to do any of the actual building. I’m sure I could do, you know, customer service or whatever. *RH notes that MC-S could be in a commercial for MFI.* Yes! Yeah, I could do that. The idea of being at MI5 – I mean, literally, I can’t lie without crying. I would be saying all the time, “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I’m a spy. Can I get to the front of the queue? I’m a spy.” Yeah, it wouldn’t work. *RH suggests that MC-S could perform a voice-over for MI5, such as soliciting for position availability.* For MI5?  They probably do have things like that, don’t they? You must have known people who were, you know, headhunted? Was there a spy crowd? The big coats? Talking in code?

Would you rather be King Stephen or Stephen King?

Who is King Stephen? Was he King Wenceslas? *RH briefly explains King Stephen’s story, including his reign being directly attributable to having had diarrhea.* So it’s a choice between being dead or alive, in a way. *RH notes that MC-S would be alive, but during the time period King Stephen was alive.* Oh, okay. Then, no, Stephen King. I’m sure he’s got a lively life, Stephen King. Do I have to live as him now? I have to live his whole life? Oh God. RH note that MC-S would even have to endure Stephen King’s terrible vehicle collision.* Oh really? So I can’t jump out of the way? Yeah, they’re both bad. How old did Old Shitty Pants live? I mean, because the thing with time travel is you just want to be super rich, don’t you? Like, any time travel you do, you want – in the past particularly – you want a guarantee. I’m not going back as a fucking peasant. *RH posits that the life he and MC-S are more luxurious than that lived by King Stephen.* Oh yeah, yeah. You’re right, you’re right. But yeah, the choice wasn’t, “Do you want to be you or a medieval king?” I’d rather be me than anyone else.

Notes

This is MC-S’s second appearance.

MC-S previously appeared with her colleagues from podcast Do the Right Thing.

Recorded at the Phoenix in London.

RH notes that the small size of the audience.

RH notes that each member of the audience received a copy of his Christmas Emergency Questions.

At the end of the recording, RH collects donations for Scope.

RH reveals that growing up he had a picture of English football player Frank Worthington on his wall.

RH and MC-S coin a term for the days between Christmas and New Year’s Day, called the “merrineum”.