Title: Apology to Kris Marshall

acast Time: 1:02:52
Youtube Time: 1:02:11

Original Record Date: January 17, 2022
acast Publication Date: February 2, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: February 2, 2022

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s still wearing the same pyjamas as he was wearing last week. He’s disgusting.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s Lockdown Suitcase of Tipples Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to all of Boris Johnson’s children. It’s the biggest audience I’ve ever had.

Guest Best Known
For her portrayal of Miss Gray in S-Band.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I have seen a ghost. I’ve met a ghost. Okay, so I was at university, okay? I was coming home from the student bar – this is really important. My hangover was just about to start. So put a pin in that; hangover just about to start. I’m going into my house. This was a house – it belonged to an old couple. The woman had died in the house. Her husband was living in an old folks’ home, but we were renting it, students. So, got into the house, hangover just starting, get into bed. I fall asleep. I was up and it’s like my arm, for some reason, is sort of being brought forward. There is an old woman at the bottom of my bed. She puts a white disc into the palm of my hand. I pop it into the glass of water by my bed. It fizzes. I drink it, go back to sleep. Wake up, no hangover. Now, how do you explain that? *RH attempts to explain that GM was aslepp.* But I had no hangover in the morning. Surely that’s science. There was no hangover.

Have you ever milked an animal or a human?

No, because I grew up in the countryside I feel like I should, but I just was from a very boring part of the countryside.

What is the strangest thing you’ve found in your cleavage, belly button, or anal cleft?

I’ve definitely found crisps. Definitely. In all three areas. It was a good night out. It’s good, it’s good. It’s one of the advantages of being a woman, you know. You have to biologically be better at hiding food from sneaky men, so that’s why we have all these creases and clavicles. Do you think it’s, like, self-perpetuating? So, the more you put on weight, the more areas in your body there are to store food. The skinnier you are, nothing.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

I will tell you what it is. It’s a recreation of a Victorian pub in the Museum of London. I just love it because sometimes -Because you can just walk in. And I think, This is my dream. This is my dream. I would love to be famous slash successful enough that I – You know, they get away with being, like, all these weird whimsies. I love to be, like, so eccentric and successful enough that I would only do my business meetings in the Victorian pub in the Museum of London. Like, that’s where you would meet me. And we would have a normal business meeting, but it would be there. *RH asks for clarification about where GM would move the pub.* No, no. It would stay there. It would stay there. It would be my work space. It would be, like, my personal rework. And, you know, producers would be, like, “Okay, we can get Gráinne, but the thing is she only takes meetings in the Museum of London’s Victorian pub. On the recreation Victorian High Street.” That’s where you would meet me. So, it’s just what a pub looks like. It’s a normal pub. It would carry on like a normal working museum but I would be there just doing my everyday admin, ignoring everybody. The table at the back. There’s a nice little table at the back. I would be sat there, charging my phone, maybe glaring at people when they walked in.

Would you rather live in a society run by children ages six and under, or have to be tied to the wheel of a water mill and be spun around for the next 13 hours? If you choose the water wheel you will only be underwater for about for about 30 seconds of each revolution but it would be very sunny and you won’t be allowed sun cream or to be released from the water wheel to go to the toilet. The children would carry on running society for at least five years; maybe more if they do a better job than the current lot.

So these little, like, child kings, are they sort of picked from all across, you know, different social,,, How are they chosen? *RH advises that each school would appoint one child and the best 600 would run Parliament.* […] Because I think they would be amazing at, like, you know, the big, big stuff. Like, everybody has to be kind and share stuff. But it’s like, the logistics. Like, whatever five year-old was in charge of, like, bin collection. I would worry. I would really worry about that. Or, like, the situation like negotiating with Syria. You know, do we talk to that government, or… So, I think I would worry about the children involved in that. So I would go for the wheel. Think of the Edinburgh show. Think of the Edinburgh show off the back of it. That would be a newsletter. Get a newsletter out of that.

Notes

This episode was live-streamed via Twitch, with RH and guest in each of their own homes due to RH suffering from Covid-19.

GM is recording from an Airbnb in Saint Leonards-on-Sea.