Title: M&M Apocalypse

acast Time: 1:12:16
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: May 11, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s finally finished his latest book on bollocks.

Acronym Modification
N/A

Cool Kids
I was talking to Johnny 5 from Short Circuit. He said it wouldn’t be cheating, by the way. He said I shouldn’t feel bad about it. What happened is fine, between the two of us. I was also talking to Ben Jabituya, from Short Circuit as well. He was there too. What was he up to? I didn’t talk to him. You know that character – Fisher what-his-face? Anyway, Johnny 5 calls it…

Guest Best Known
For writing on unknown episodes of Up to Something!, the 1989 sketch show starring Mike Hayley and – I think – Shane Ritchie.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

Do you think the photo that will accompany your obituary has yet been taken or do you think it will come in the future?

I think the photo will be me driving into the Kremlin with suspect devices around my waist. There will be my face and it will be, like, at the center of a spider’s web. So it will be Partridge, In the Thick of It, they’ll say, rather than The Thick of It. The Alan Partridge Show, they’ll say. There will be some incorrect ones. It will be Brass Eye. Tony Ferrino. Succession.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

I think Steve Coogan. I think I would like to come out as Steve Coogan. A young Steve Coogan. Fresh, you know; just about to embark on the whole Partridge thing. *RH asks whether Coogan would have already starred in the WHSmith advertisements.* That would be behind him. But the whole Hacked Off campaign with Hugh Grant would be ahead. But he’d have my voice. But if he had my voice his entire career as a very skilled, talented impressionist would be gone because it would just be me going, “Hello, I’m Ronnie Corbett. Hello. And now I’m Jeremy Paxman. Hi. Hello. Hi. Do you know who  am? I’m Dame Jud Dench. Can’t you tell from the way I’m behaving? It’s me. If you shut your eyes you’ve smelled Judi Dench. Go on, try it. Shut your eyes!” If a laboratory assistant had put a kind of pin or a Smartie in the petri dish at the same time you could come out as a massive Smartie.

If you could own and live in any building in the world – they would give it to you – where would you choose to live?

Again, I think I would go into the Kremlin with the suspect device attached to my waist and take it from there.

Do you think David Copperfield ever tried to suck his own cock?

Well, in the book there is Mr. Dick. In The Old Curiosity Shop there’s a character called Dick Swiveller.

What’s your favourite drink? If you found out that it was actually made out of wasp urine, and always had been, would it still be your favourite and would you carry on drinking it?

Well, I’m from Glasgow and actually wasp urine – fizzy wasp urine – is a thing you can only get in Glasgow. I’d keep drinking that, yeah. *RH ponders how much urine one wasp produces.* You’d need several nests, I’d think. And a massive hammer, a mallet. A mallet, like, let’s not fuck about. A massive pile-driver.

What happened to Lazarus the second time he died?

No, I think – I think he died with a look of shock and disappointment on his face. I think he had lots of people around; he had some illness that was, like, fatal. And he’s got all of his relatives and family around and he just went, “Hang on a minute. Just you watch.” He’d been given last rites and he’s going, “Okay, just hang on a second. Just – ” And then gone. And the thing was, as soon as he died, everyone in the room laughed. They just went, “Ha! Didn’t work! Ha! One-trick pony.”

What is the most surprising thing or person that has ever leapt out at you?

An assassin? Leapt out at me? I don’t think I’ve ever been leapt out on.

Notes

This is AM’s fourth appearance.

RH thanks Kickstarter contributors.

Kickstarter contributor Rob Hughes thanks RH for introducing him to Pub & Club comedy nights all those years ago in Brighton, which RH says is code.

Kickstarter contributors Kings of Wessex Fast Maths Alumni Group give a shout out to those who survived the Hugh Sexey 4H Experience.