Title: Rolf Harris Tattoo

acast Time: 1:04:39
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: April 18, 2022
acast Publication Date: June 15, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Whose children have forced him to re-evaluate the whole of Easter.

Acronym Modification

Cool Kids
I was talking to the Easter Bunny the other day. He popped round to deliver some Easter eggs. I was very upset; I didn’t really understand the backstory. It’s an ill-defined mythical character. Anyway, he calls it – or she calls it – I don’t know. I didn’t look between its legs.

Guest Best Known
For playing Lindsay the Wizard in I Am Tim Helsing.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed when RH asked whether any audience members listened to audiobooks at twice the speed, she confirmed that she did
confirmed that this allowed her to complete twice the books she would normally listen to
confirmed that she would listen to books at three times the speed if she could
Andy McH agreed that the new audiobook/podcast speed emergency question was a good one
confirmed that he had no information about Dick Turpin

Emergency Questions

Phoebe Herring: Was the Easter Bunny born the day Jesus died?

Yeah. Yeah. He/she was born that day in a cave, probably. Pushed the boulder… I haven’t thought about Jesus in the cave for a long time. But I think Jesus went in the cave, died, and then the Easter Bunny came out of the cave. *RH points out that Jesus was dead prior to being placed in the cave.* I don’t know. Alright so, he was already dead.

What speed do you listen to podcasts/audio books on when you listen to them?

Do you know what’s really pathetic? I slow them down. Because I listen to them to fall asleep. It’s a good tip. I can’t sleep if it’s quiet, which is really a great quality for somebody who’s sleeping in a bed next to me. I’m sure that’s very annoying. But I need some noise. And before I found the [unclear] I was on Audible and if you just really slow it down everything sounds really soothing. So even if it’s, like, Psycho, it’s like *in soothing tone*, “She stepped into the shower.” And you’re like, Ah, this is lovely. And you can just fall asleep to terrible, terrible murders.

Ernie Herring: Do ghosts have bum holes?

Of course. But they have mouths. *RH hypothesizes that any covered parts of a ghost no longer exist.* But if they died naked they would. *RH asks when AG last saw a naked ghost.* Easter Sunday. That’s fascinating that you don’t think that. So you think they don’t have genitals or anything. *RH notes that ghosts are only constituted of the parts visible when they died.* Well, there are a lot of assholes that have died.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No, I haven’t. I worked at the York Dungeon so I played a zombie for many years. The famous York Zombie. Well, you had to play all different types. So my favourite role was plague victim. Pretty good at that one, thank you. I was really hung over; and you can be really method with that and be like, “God, she looked awful.” And you’re like, “Auuughh.” “Wow, what range.” So plague victim is really good. Sometimes you’d have to play Dick Turpin’s girlfriend. Yeah, but she had a southern accent and I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t. So  just do that one very quietly.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

No, but there is another  – I don’t want to advertise her, but there is another Amy Gledhill and I have been mistaken for her. So she’s… I think she describes herself as an “orgasm doctor.” No, honestly. It’s true. *RH notes that he also came across this AG during his research and further mentions that the other AG is a lingerie model who couldn’t orgasm.* For 11 years, but now she’s worked it out. Yeah. And I’m not her. Please don’t @ me. I think some of the creepy DM’s I get must be for her. I hope so. They can’t find a woman in a hot dog costume that attractive. Well, I don’t know.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

Do you know what? I think I’d like to be – You know when you go to the theatre and you get an ice cream? And then you sit down and you say, “Aw, I don’t have a spoon.” And then you open it and there’s a little spoon in the lid. I think I’d like to be that little spoon. Just like a little treat and you go, “Oh no.” And then you go, “They’ve thought of everything.” I think I’d just like to be the little spoon, I think. But maybe I’d be, like, single-use plastic and actually part of the problem. *RH notes that sometimes the little spoons are made of wood.* Ugh, it’s tough, isn’t it? Yeah, splinters though, on your tongue. I regret it. I regret all of this. It’s just the first thing that came to me. Clear as day. I was like, Don’t filter this. Go with your heart. My heart is wrong. Can I change it and say, like, a big cat? Okay, my last one is the one I’m going with. And I’m going to be – God, it’s hard, isn’t it? Because you’re like, well, Beyoncé, and she got cheated on. It’s really hard. Um, I’d like to be, um… No, don’t say that. No, no, no. I’d just like to be the best version of myself, Richard.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

Do you know what I really love? Um, and I’ve seen it – well, it’s a replica, but I’ve seen it twice. And I get really emotional about it. And I don’t know why, especially when I tell you what it is. Duchamp, do you know, he’s like a Dadaist, which I don’t know much about. But I found out that he was making these things called readymades. And he got a urinal, a toilet urinal, and signed it. He was like, “That’s art.” And, uh, I think that’s amazing because it’s like, big finger up to a lot of things that [unclear]. And I’ve seen it in San Francisco and I saw it, um, it’s in the Tate now. And I just love that it’s, it’s just a urinal. I think that’s dead cool. And for my degree, because my mum doesn’t think art’s for her, any art, I made her – for my final piece – I made my mum sit on a bench and eat some fish and chips. I was like, “You don’t have to do anything. And you can be the art, Mum. You can do it.” And my examiners came and had to just watch my mum eat some fish and chips on a bench. And, like, I really thought, you know, like, when I was at uni I was like, This is so cool. This is my [unclear]. And as soon as it was happening I was like, What have I done? And then my mum got the giggles and she couldn’t stop laughing. And there was just, like, fish coming out. And she, she always has a bit of – my mum’s great – but she always has a bit of kitchen roll in her sleeve. You know, like, just in case. And she was absolutely, like, wetting herself. And she’s getting this kitchen roll out, spitting fish into it. My examiners – like, three of them – stood just, like, watching this thing happening and they don’t know what it’s meant to be. Yeah, I think I did pass. Only, like, just. But my point was, like, “Oh, anything can be art, Mum.” She was, like, “No.” And I was like, “Yeah, maybe not. Maybe I’ll just leave it to the other people.”


RH tells a story about PH asking whether the Easter Bunny was born on the day Jesus died.

RH reads a story about Jesus that EH wrote.

When asked what he wanted RH to say in exchange for a donation, Kickstarter contributor Trevor said, “I’m good, thanks.”

RH notes that AG gives the best response to the tallest building in a hometown trivia.

RH tells a story of a gig he performed in Montreal, where an audience member was removed and later revealed that he was carrying a gun.

RH related his interaction with Billy Connolly in a Montreal elevator.

After hearing her response to the art gallery/museum emergency question, RH offers to buy AG a urinal.

AG reveals that she interviewed RH after he’d performed a gig in Darlington. Portions of the interview were featured in AG’s university dissertation.