Title: Where Did We Get Our Porn?

acast Time: 59:15
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: August 3, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s probably best known for all the work he does helping Ukrainian refugees.

Acronym Modification
Richard Herring’s London Says Tara Podcast

Cool Kids
I was talking to Daffy, Jinx, Mr. Blue Nips, Flurg, Spunk Guzzler, Tony G, Simon Harris, Dorothy Perkins, and Kenko; better known as the Blazin’ Squad.

Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Big Brother’s Bit On the Side.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
David Frew RH pulls DF into the conversation about where one found pornography, pre-Internet

Emergency Questions

If your genitals had to be replaced by the face of one of the Muppets – the face would be able to interact and communicate in exactly the same way as the puppet – which puppet face would replace your genitals?

Well, the thing is Gonzo would be useful. Well yeah, because, you know, you could use Gonzo; he’s basically a strap-on with a hand up him. So I could have Gonzo and still be sexually active. So that, that would probably be it. *RH suggests that Gonzo is annoying and would put off potential lovers.* Well, my vagina’s slightly annoying as well.

I accidentally elbowed Denise van Outen in the face on Channel 5’s Celebrity Game Night. What is the worst injury you have directly or indirectly caused to a celebrity or person of renown?

I ran over Nick Berry and Leslie Grantham’s feet. Yeah, I did extra work on EastEnders as a kid and they wanted, they wanted someone who could ride a bike. And my mum was like, “It’s EastEnders. Say you can ride a bike.” And I was on this bike but I actually couldn’t ride a bike. So they were in the middle of a take and I ran over Nick Berry and Leslie Grantham and was sacked. I was sacked. Well, I think it’s an insurance problem. When a teenager who can’t ride a bike is careering into your leads.

What is your worst hotel/travelling experience?

What this brings to mind, because I’ve got my mask – I still like wearing masks. I kind of like the privacy. The thing is, this is the mask I wear at shows because it’s glamorous, it’s gold, but I usually have lipstick on. And so what happens to the mask is it ends up looking like that inside. It’s basically white inside with a great big red patch in the middle. And so I was staying overnight at a bed & breakfast and I just chucked it on the bed. And when I came back from gig, the reception sort of took me aside, “Can we speak to you? We couldn’t clean your room because you left a sanitary towel on the bed and the cleaner was very upset.” And yeah, it was just my mask with lots of lipstick on it.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

The tit thing seems more obvious because the finger thing doesn’t seem – Like, it can’t see, can it? It’s just my finger. *RH confirms that you can direct the finger and see the finger’s location.* Yeah, well when I think of going back in time, it’s usually to have sex with hot people that are dead now or, you know, like, Stewart Lee. Yeah, like back when I was in my twenties. Before you were my friend and not him. And like, if it’s just the finger then I don’t really want to finger those men. So the tit seems a better idea but talcum powder causes cancer. So I feel that I would have quite a cancerous tit, which I’ve done relatively well to avoid so far. Can I have a tit that travels through time? Because then I could throw the tit at Gene Kelly and there would be some vague sexual pleasure in that for me. Gene Kelly’s the first one that comes to mind.

If you could travel in time and have sex with any historical figure, who would you have sex with?

*On the back of the previous emergency question RH infers that MO would choose Gene Kelly.* Or maybe Stewart Lee from the early nineties. No. Gene Kelly, yeah. I’m trying to think of a way to make this entertaining but now I’m just hot for Gene Kelly. But he’s hot. Like, it would be interesting with someone interesting but Gene Kelly’s very linearly hot. *RH notes that MO could have sex with Tutankhamun.* No, because he – They used to have leeches and shave their whole bodies. No, I don’t like slippery men.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

My favourite thing in any art gallery is the Knidos Aphrodite, who is in the Louvre. And she’s right opposite the Venus de Milo. So everybody goes to look at the Venus de Milo. Because it’s a Greek statue but we call it by the Roman name, like, it’s shit. It’s literally a Roman copy of some Greek statue and it’s become really famous for no reason. Just because everyone keeps getting told it’s beautiful. *RH notes that the Venus de Milo has no arms.* Yeah, which I think it a bit sinister. I think thats why people like it, because she can’t defend herself. But it’s also – It’s one of those things that we’ve been told it’s beautiful so we believe it. A bit like Daniel Craig. Because I remember Our Friends in the North. Our Friends in the North, Daniel Craig was playing someone ugly and now apparently Daniel Craig is hot. It’s the same face. It’s just publicity. But the Knidos Aphrodite, she’s actually the Aphrodite from Knidos. And if you were a very devout follower she would come alive and have sex with you at midnight. And she has no head or arms or legs anymore, but it’s actually – and you can get so close. Like, you can breathe the marble in. So I would like to have her at home and sort of cherish her. And I was saying this to my daughter. Like, I wish I could give her the attention she deserves, but she’s saying, well, she’s not going to get that in an ex council house in Streatham Hill . Um, so maybe I would put her on display, but I live near the South Circular. She’s very congested, so she would get a lot of footfall that way. Yeah. She’s got a huge mons pubis, which they found very sexy back then. Really, it’s huge. It looks like a football helmet.

Notes

Recorded at the Phoenix in London.

RH reveals that he met MO and her mother when they were fans of Lee & Herring.