acast Time: 52:26
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Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: August 5, 2022
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Please Welcome a Man
Who is up past his bedtime like some of the children in the front row.
Richard Herring’s Loving Sunak and Truss Podcast
I was talking to the people who come to see a podcast at 11:00pm at the Deer Shed Festival.
Guest Best Known
For his appearance on The Wall. Not as a contestant, but as a friend of Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note
Unnamed insisted that RH ask DC the time-travelling finger question, despite RH’s refusal to do so
Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?
I have not. I have not. No, but even if I could do it, would that give you pleasure? The only way to do it – The only way to do it is if you’re a time-traveller and there were two of you. Then it makes sense to put in the effort. But to literally do it by contorting yourself, there’s no pleasure there. *RH expresses concern at the time-travelling aspect.* No, you travel back, like, one hour and meet yourself. Oh no, actually, you’re right. It’s better to go when you’re, like, 23.
If you had to be given oral sex by a dinosaur, if you had to be, which dinosaur would you like to be mouthed to completion by?
Okay, it would be, um, what are the ones with really long necks? It’s a brontosaurus. Brontosaurus. Really long necks but vegetarians.
I accidentally elbowed Denise van Outen in the face on Channel 5’s Celebrity Game Night. What is the worst injury you have directly or indirectly caused to a celebrity or person of renown?
I don’t think I’ve ever hurt a famous person. Aw, unforunately. There’s still time. There’s still time.
Which toy did you always want for Christmas but never received?
The toy I always wanted for Christmas was a Transformer or a GoBot. Essentially a car that turns into a thing, a human. And I stole one and then I was caught and given public shame justice, which is possibly the most effective form of justice. So I was at a boarding school; I was caught. The prefect made me stand in the centre of the room with my arms out and they jumped around. Like, all the other people jumped around me and pointed and [unclear], “Thief, thief, thief…” And I just cried in the middle and never stole another thing in my life. *RH asked whether DC ever bought the toy for himself as an adult.* No, no. Never, never. I was 11. It was fine.
If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?
To be fair, I don’t need sun cream. I’ve got a melanin advantage. Can we ask follow-up questions about the hand made of ham? If you bite it does it grow? So I’ve forever got a snack? It will take a while to re-grow. I think we’ll go with the hand full of ham. *RH suggests that DC could sell the sun cream he produces to white people.* You could. But who would buy something that comes out of your armpit?
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Have I ever seen a ghost? I’ve never seen a ghost. I mean, I believe there are ghosts, but I have not seen one. *RH asks DC’s reasons for believing in ghosts.* They’re around. Well I, I believe in everything. Right? You know how, if you believe in nothing… I am the direct opposite. I believe what everybody believes. I believe in a kaleidoscope of different things. Gods and spirits… Whatever there is, I’m fairly confident it exists. And I dated someone who believed in ghosts and she had seen a ghost, but I, I have never seen a ghost. *RH states that ghosts don’t exist.* Oh, there are ghosts. There are ghosts. You think there no ghosts, but that’s because, you know, you’ve not encountered them. The world is full of millions of things we don’t understand. *RH asks whether everyone becomes a ghost.* No, no. So I don’t feel that a ghost is a dead person. A dead person, I believe in an afterlife or something, right? So there’s another stage, right? So, you know when you’re in the womb, you’ve got fingers and eyes? But it makes no sense; you don’t know why. Then you’re born and suddenly they have purpose. There are a lot of things that we encounter in this life such as suffering, which make no sense, and then at the next stage they make sense. Right? So I believe in that, but ghosts are not… It’s when something goes wrong. So people are trapped, or… Hey, you asked the question. Not everyone is secular; that’s just most of the UK. Complexity is much more fascinating than simplicity.
If you had to have sex with a right-wing politician, if you had to, which Tory, right-wing politician would you have sex with?
So there is an American pundit called Ann Coulter. Oh, she’s fit, right? And I think she’s more fit because she’s racist, so I would be doing it for my people. Oh, I wasn’t saying I would date her. She’s still racist. But yes, she’s attractive.
Do you think that there’s a true conspiracy theory?
I don’t believe in the QAnon ones. So, the conspiracy theory that I think might be true is, is, is the Illumnati. Right? That there’s a cabal of people who run the world. Now, I don’t think they do the things that people think they do but I can think of a bunch of old white men sitting and discussing, like, the stock market. It suddenly got very quiet, like you know them. No, that’s the only one where I’m like, “Okay, it’s probably not the absurd things that people think it is but it sounds like, yeah, a bunch of extra-billionaires sit and discuss stuff. *RH notes that he believe in Donald Trump’s involvement in the January 6, 2022 attack on the U.S. Capitol.* That’s not a conspiracy; that’s history. That’s literally history.
Have you ever been in a police car?
Yes. Yeah. Like, several times in my life I’ve just, like, been in a – They stop you, they ask you questions, and then they let you go. *RH notes that he hasn’t shared this experience.* I wonder why. I wonder why. No, but I’ll tell you what’s interesting. Like, now I slow down when I see the police because I’m like, Oh, okay, they’re going to ask me a question about why I’m here. And you just adapt. I think a lot of people – I have friends who say, “Why don’t you get angry when racist stuff happens?” And I almost feel like from zero to six out of ten, you just let it, you just let it slide. That’s just background noise. They have to literally yelling the N-word or spitting in my face for me to react. so when police stop I just stop, answer their questions politely, and move on. But it’s the world. LIke, look, like, the way I look at it is this: if you, if it’s sunny, right, you get sun screen. Right? You adapt to the world you’re in. If you’re in a place full of mosquitos, you adapt to that. So I live in a world full of racists and I’ve adapted to it. Like, when the police stop you, you act low-status, you don’t look in their eyes, you answer their questions, and you go, right? And, like, every black child is taught that by their parents, right? About how to survive these encounters and not to escalate the situation. It may be sad, but that’s just what we do.
If you could have all your teeth replaced by psychic orbs that could tell you all future events by telepathy but would scream it a high-pitched volume every time you opened your mouth, would you go ahead with the teeth replacement operation?
Yes I would because knowledge of the future would be amazing and I would just keep my mouth shut. Right? But I would know the future. I would know which relationship’s going to fall apart, so I won’t approach that person, right? I would know what to invest – Oh, knowledge of the future would be astonishing.
If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?
I would want to come out as, like, the parody of an angel. Like, with wings and a halo and, like, like, powers to glow and stuff. So not, like, the parody of an angel. The angel which little kids would draw. That’s what I’d come out as. Glow, halo, and heal people. Like, I’ve got angel powers.
If you had a finger that could travel through time…
If I had a time-travelling finger I send it back in time and finger Hitler. He’s a twat, so… I don’t know. No, what could you really do that’s useful. Oh no, I realized you can send it in the future. So I would send the time-travelling finger into the future to spy and bring back information and tell me via Morse code.
Recorded at the Big Top in Thirsk as part of the Deer Shed Festival.
This is DC’s second appearance.
RH notes that this is the latest he has ever recorded a podcast episode.
RH wishes audience member Gareth a happy 50th birthday. RH leads the audience in singing Happy Birthday.
Right-wing sex question framed as the most right-wing person, rather than specifically politician.