Title: Teleporno

acast Time: 1:04:01
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: September 21, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who has been to church in the last 24 hours.

Acronym Modification

Cool Kids
I was talking to Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie the other day.

Guest Best Known
For her appearance as the Lingerie Co-Worker in The Kronicles of Kirk.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed sitting in second row
confirmed that he had seen an albino squirrel in Carshalton
owns a pub in Carshalton called The Hope

Emergency Questions

What tune do you use for the hymn O Jesus I Have Promised?

I don’t know that.

What’s the weirdest way that you have found something that you thought was lost?

I haven’t found it again, but I have lost something where, like, you just can’t picture how on earth it might be lost. And you do start to think about parallel dimensions. When I was five I was in a production of Peter Pan a very non-PC Native American character. And it was just me in a little dress, but we shouldn’t do that. Weird choice for a play. Anyway, it was a ballet thing and my mum made the costumes and they were in a bag by the door. And they just disappeared. Like, I’m talking disappeared, guys. And maybe someone stole them? But do you know, do you know when something goes missing and you’re like, no explanation. […] But these costumes never turned up. *RH imagines a scenario where the costumes are found.* Maybe I’ll go back to Edinburgh and one day I’ll just see a man wandering around, whoever knicked them. It would be great if they could fit into them, but they are for five year-olds.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

Me with more confidence. No, that’d be really sad. Ooh. Oh, I don’t know. Like, an animal or something maybe. A squirrel. No, that’s rubbish. I don’t know; they have a good time. They’ve got no predators that I’m aware of. *RH takes issue and conversation about the predators of squirrels ensues.* Actually, yeah. My grandfather used to throw stones at them. You know what? Because I was picturing a red squirrel, but that one’s worst. […] When we were growing up my sister always insisted that there was an albino squirrel, like, living near us and she’d be like, “I saw it today.” And we’d be like, “Yeah.” And then I saw it two years ago. I was like, Oh my God, she wasn’t lying. It can’t be the same. There’s probably a family of them. […] Or some sort of squirrel origin story where they fall into a vat of something. I don’t know.

What one photo would you send out to aliens?

Can I choose a very short video clip? Can I choose that time that woman put the cat in the bin? I think that really sums up humanity. Yeah. Needlessly cruel but also tidy. Oh, I think it transcends language and yeah. *RH asks whether EM thinks that aliens have bins.* I think they’ve got some kind of receptacle.

If you had to have sex with a right-wing politician, if you had to, which Tory, right-wing politician would you have sex with?

I guess… Is Prince Harry right-wing? I mean, he did literally dress up as a Nazi, which feels pretty right-wing. I wasn’t to clarify, I was not attracted to him as a Nazi. *RH asks whether this coupling would be to propagate more red-headed children.* We’re not dying out; that’s a myth. But we will if we don’t get on it, so we’ve really gotta… No, but he is definitely the hottest of the two. Of the whole family, I would say.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

Constantly. Yeah, yeah. I also noticed, because her name is Eleanor Morton, and she’s got a Wikipedia page. I noticed that when my profile went up a bit, the Wikipedia page got a lot more details. She was like, “I don’t know who’s Googling me but I’d better make it worth their while.” Brothers and sisters are in there, everything you want to know about her. Check her out.


For the new emergency question about finding something in a weird way, RH prefaces the question with a story about losing then finding his eyeglasses.

When asking the emergency question about sending a photo to aliens, RH notes that EM can also choose a song.

Right-wing sex question framed as the most right-wing person, rather than specifically politician.

Told a story about seeing Princess Diana at Wimbledon.