Title: Rat Surge

acast Time: 1:16:07
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: September 28, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s considering buying an island.

Acronym Modification
N/A

Cool Kids
I was talking to Rednex the other day. Remember the band Rednex? Remember them? Cotton Eye Joe? Pig in a Poke? Uncle John Up a Tree?

Guest Best Known
For playing Greg in Chubby Funny.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed RH asked him whether he was the Yorkshire Ripper
PN notes that he is wearing a low-buttoned shirt
David Frew speaking about long-term listeners, RH notes that David Frew has been attending recordings since he was 12

Emergency Questions

Do you think the photo that will accompany your obituary has yet been taken or do you think it will come in the future?

Well we took a photo in the green room earlier. *RH asks whether PN thinks that this is the photo that will be used.* Yeah, I think so. *RH notes that the photo will definitely be used should PN and RH die at the same time.* They’ll say, “We don’t know who was stabbed first. We just know one of them was untrustworthy.” Um, obituary photo. Hopefully it’s not been taken. They’re always, like, if you’re a comedian and you die they always use a photo of you going *pulls a face*. Something zany, which I think is disrespectful. But then I guess if, you know, some famously amusing person died and they used a photo that was sort of, like, you know, something that they use in the back of a volume of poems. Sort of like, turtle neck, black and white, and frowning, people would go, “When did they take that?” I don’t know. One of those entertainers from the UK that inevitably I’ve never heard of. He’s, like, sort of quite fat and racially insensitive. They’re always remembered really fondly in talking head shows that I can’t understand.

If your genitals had to be replaced by the face of one of the Muppets – the face would be able to interact and communicate in exactly the same way as the puppet – which puppet face would replace your genitals?

Someone said Gonzo in the audience, because he’s the most penile. Well, he’d have something to say about it. So we’d all be getting a lot out of it, I think. He’d be saying some version of, “It’s a living.” As you shoved his foam nose into someone. The second-most penile Muppet is the American Eagle. What’s his name? Sam. Sam – the least imaginatively named of the Muppets.

If you were on Pointless and had to choose a Muppet to a Pointless Muppet, which Muppet would you choose to be Pointless?

Obviously the temptation is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. He’s a man of science. The round green one, who’s Beaker’s boss? It’s unclear. Beaker is an intern in his lab? But without Beaker around, I imagine he’s a more responsible scientist. Beaker tends to be the one that forces the explosions. They’re never clear what Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is working on. Beaker is a much less empathetic character if it’s, like, a cure for some terrible disease. He keeps knocking over flasks and screaming. People would really hate Beaker, if that was the case.

Do you think that there’s a true conspiracy theory?

Oh, COVID from a lab. I genuinely, I sort of go, “Um, I’m 50/50 on that.” More and more it seems like that’s not true, but I just think, “It was too good at what it did. It was really good. Really good at being a disease.” *RH asks about the conspiracy theory of COVID not actually existing.* COVID not being real? I had COVID original recipe very early on, so I have to believe in it now. *RH asks whether PN really had COVID.* Well, it’s a good point.

If you were God, what flavour would you have made ejaculate?

*RH notes that it’s as though it didn’t occur to God that people would be eating ejaculate.* It’s like it never occurred to him. But we know it must have. That’s the fun thing about God. He said, “I know what people deserve.” But if it was strawberry milkshake, then you wouldn’t go, “Yum, this ejaculate tastes of strawberry milkshake.” You would go, “Oh no, I’ve made a milkshake that’s just like a big frothy pint of cum.” I suppose what I’m saying is that the taste of cum would be the superior, like… everything else would become a sub-set of it, almost by force, wouldn’t it? And imagine the horror of that if you didn’t know and you had a strawberry milkshake and then you tasted cum and you go – You’d be very worried about the person until someone kindly explained that no, that’s how it all is.

If you a had silo, what would you store in it?

Aw, strawberry-flavoured cum, I supposed. I don’t know. A silo. That’s a good question. It would have to be something that kept. You wouldn’t want to keep avocados in a silo. That would be a nightmare. Um… God, I don’t know. Well, what would be the funniest thing to store for someone to discover, just Homes & Gardens, every edition. You’d be terrified. You’d go, there’s a body hidden under these magazines. A silo full of old magazines, yeah.

Did any future celebrities go to your school?

Um, I don’t know about my weird infant school in South Africa, but yeah… Well, the Bee Gees were born on the Isle of Man, but they fled. “Your voices are too high,” they said. “The dogs are upset.” And they kicked them off the island. Upsetting all the animals. My school, yeah. There’s a guy called “Mad Jack” Churchill, who went to my school, who’s the only officer – the only solider in World War II who carried a sword and a bow and arrow. And he did a commando beach assault on German positions in Norway playing bagpipes, with his sword on, because he was unwell, in a courageous way. He sort of escaped prisoner of war camps and captured a whole German unit on his own and was just sort of generally mad. And there’s quite a long Wikipedia entry dedicated to how unusually mad he was.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

What’s the best thing to be that isn’t a human? Probably a Labrador owned by quite a wealthy family. They have a good time. Would that be the best? Or can I be different people? I’ll just come out as Liz Truss. Id just be a second Truss. Imagine the chaos you could cause. You could really wreck her fucking life, couldn’t you? Get the nuclear codes, frighten a few of the countries. Wander around Downing Street in your pants, just screaming. By the time they realized it was Truss Two, the damage would be done.

Notes

RH reveals that as an adult he took the Autism-Spectrum Quotient Test.

For the Pointless Muppet question, RH notes that he would select Lew Zealand.

RH jokingly predicts that Liz Truss will not be Prime Minister by the time to episode recording is released.