Title: Lemony Anus

acast Time: 1:15:30
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Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: October 26, 2022
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Please Welcome a Man
Who knows how Prince George feels at the moment.

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Cool Kids
I was talking to the people from the Heaven’s Gate cult. Remember those, remember those guys from 1997? They thought that they were going to get onboard a comet as a spacecraft and go to another galaxy. That did happen apparently. They were in another galaxy. They got out just in time and they call it…

Guest Best Known
For playing Glinda in The Wiz in a student theatre company. She was also – who could forget her as Janice in The Thick Of It?

Audience

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Emergency Questions

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

Um, well, I do have an answer for this. A snowman. No, but it’s not made of snow. Because I experience this in real life and I think about it often. So I worked at the Millennium Dome – I’ve talked about this before – and at Christmas we, we did skin work for two of our allocated days, which is when you wear a character. And, um, but we then had a snow sort of parade. So I was dressed as a snowman. And we had other characters that we did but none of them were known to the children. Children do know snowmen. And what happened was, when I was in character – and this is what I thought success would be like, and it isn’t. But what happened was I would come out of the changing room, you know, big and fluffy and white. And people turned to me and their faces changed. And they smiled. And children ran towards me with adults sort of getting out cameras like, “Oh my God, this is the cutest thing we’ve ever seen.” And all you have to do is sort of wobble and shake hands and pose for photos. And I would do it for hours. I felt so happy in my heart everywhere I went. Everywhere I went. I went to get some soup. Everyone turns around, “Oh, you’re here!” I shoplifted from the shop; no one stopped me. No one ever stopped me because it’s the snowman! It’s funny! It’s funny that the snowman – So I would be a snowman for, sort of, seven to eight hours a day and then I’d have to take it off. And I’d go on the Jubilee line. And sometimes I’d see people that had seen me there and I’d be like “Hi-… ohhh.” They don’t, they don’t care. And they also wouldn’t want to know that was me. I would be ruining… And so I always think about that. If I could just wear a big costume all the time.

What tune do you use for the hymn O Jesus I Have Promised?

What? I didn’t understand any of the words.

If you could be king of any genus of living creatures and have them do your bidding, which animal or creature or type of human – could be anything – would you have do your bidding?

Okay, it’s dogs. But I would only use my bidding for good. I don’t want to be in charge, but sometimes people still test on dogs. Like, medical testing. And if I was in charge I’d be able to give them the instructions to free themselves and then avenge all of the animals. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes also dogs are so loving that they end up with an unhappy – I don’t know if it’s called an owner – but an unhappy person who doesn’t treat them well enough and they still love them. Whereas if I was king I’d be like, “You could do better. Go and find a family that loves you.”

Is there a greater philosophical tragedy than the loss of innocence?

I don’t know if I think the loss of innocence is tragic. It’s like saying the gaining of knowledge is a tragedy. *RH notes the agreeability of the unwavering faith and happiness of children.* But you could give them heroine. No, you could give them a lobotomy and you wouldn’t go, “Oh my god, that’s so sweet. He’s 25; he still believes in Father Christmas. He’s still putting carrots out for Rudolph. Here’s his best friend; it’s some cheese on toast.” The loss of innocence makes way for other things. And you only get that little period because people are lying to you. I had parents who didn’t ever lie to us. And at the time I thought it was awful but now I really respect what they didn’t do was – We didn’t ever have a realization of: that wasn’t true. You were doing that. That was a lie. It’s quite a big thing for a child to learn about the world where people can just fuck with you. Everyone, all together. Shops are in on it. Films are in on it. Famous actors are in on it. There’s a big lack of – a loss of trust there.

Notes

This is SP’s fourth appearance.