Title: Starfish Perineum

acast Time: 1:18:18
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: December 7, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just booked Captain Dick for a children’s party.

Acronym Modification

Cool Kids
I was talking to Dave the sound man from off of Challenge Anneka. He’s a proper sound man; he’s good. He’s good at doing it.

Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Kilroy.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
David Frew confirmed that anal beads were wirelessly powered
Unnamed gave information on both anal beads and jellyfish
RH asked her to see him after the show

Emergency Questions

Do you think the photo that will accompany your obituary has yet been taken or do you think it will come in the future?

Well, it depends. Where is the obituary being published? It’s amazing. If you type my name into the Images bit of Google, in 90% of the pictures I’m quite heavily pregnant. So they all date from sort of probably about three occasions when I left the house or did a TV show when I was pregnant. But there’s something – and one can get paranoid – I don’t know if it’s a sexist thing, but it’s from a long time ago. I think there are certain outlets that really take pleasure in women looking not their best. It looks lovely to be pregnant, but if people don’t know you’re pregnant and then you’re all kind of weird about how you normally look. And they come up so often. In fact, I think I even wrote to you about some ancient picture. “Where did you find that one?” There was a picture that was taken – this is an interesting thing… After my daughter was born we would occassionally get papped. You know, people would take pictures and you don’t know they’re there. And times when we’d be taking her for a walk in the pram, you wouldn’t see anybody. And then this picture would appear. And invariably David would be looking like this magnificent father. There was one where I was – wed gone to a cafe and I think I’d briefly handed her over to him while I quickly ate some spaghetti, forking in the spoon. The caption was something like, “David Mitchell, the caring hands-on father as Victoria enjoyed another meal.” There was one – And there was one particularly interesting caption where we were walking along the road and you know how it is a week after you have a child. I was an absolute wreck. I was in some dress that I’d picked up off the floor, you know, sick on the shoulder and my hair wasn’t washed. My hand was in a sort of bandage thing because, I mean, not to revolt you, but I had a sort of RSI. Because when you’re breastfeeding you sort of hold a baby in a postiion you’re not quite used to. Anyway, I won’t go into detail. So imagine: I have a bandaged hand, unwashed hair, in this dress, and these sort of red shoes that had been near the door. Awful. I’m wheeling the pram; no idea there’s anyone there. Here’s this picture – certainly the most unflattering you’ve ever seen. The caption was, “David Mitchell: Every inch the relaxed and casual father in navy blue, while Victoria puts on a summery display in red and green.” And okay, I’m not putting on any kind of a display. I’ve just left my house and someone has taken a picture from behind a hedge. But in using the words “puts on a summery display,” just subtly puts the idea in the minds of the reader that’s I’ve come out going, “Get this.” So yes, I assume one of these terrible, unflattering pictures.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

What, sort of a different entity? Something without consciousness, which sounds bleak. *RH notes that this sounds akin to death.* Oh yeah, but don’t forget: I’m not an atheist, so I don’t think that. So, ah ha. I’ve got you there. And you’ll be thinking, No, I’ve got you there. But one more move: No, I’ve got you there. But self-awareness is torture, partly in that awkward social way that we were talking about, but also obviously if you think about, you know, finite existence in this life is harrowing, and if you really understood it you’d be constantly screaming. So I think to be something like a tree would be quite calming. Is that a jolly answer?

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

Probably the gift shop, because I love an art gallery gift shop. Do you know what I mean? It’s all, lke, bookmarks and pencil sharpeners and things you would never really use, but they are great. Although if you mean an artwork, which you probably do… A weird thing happened to me this summer. I saw the stature of David – Michelangelo’s David in a gallery in Florence. And I cried. And I don’t identify as the sort of person who cries in an art gallery. I’m the sort of person who stands in an art gallery thinking, How long are you meant to stand in front of the thing? When do you move on? I don’t want to look like an idiot. I wouldn’t be properly kind of – But I really was. It’s kind of amazing. And I was actually moved to tears. That doesn’t necessarily mean I want it in my house, because there wouldn’t be room for anything else. But it’s good. It’s worth going to see.


This is VCM’s second appearance.

RH reveals that he bet Richard Osman that RH’s book would sell more copies than Osman’s.

VCM brought all of her belongings onto the stage (including her bag).

At the beginning of the recording producer Ben Walker came on stage to bring VCM a can of Coca Cola.