Title: Eights as Infinities

acast Time: 1:12:16
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: December 14, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just been told he had his kids too late.

Acronym Modification

Cool Kids
I was talking to the anti-growth coalition, which is everyone in the world. Every single person in the world, apart from one person.

Guest Best Known
For her appearance on “Me, You, and Doctor Who” on The Culture Show.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed the sole fellow psychotherapist in the audience

Emergency Questions

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

*RH notes that the sex robot would look like Gemma Chan.* I think it’s an actress actually. Yeah, it’s definitely an actress. I think that depends on the relationship you have with your wife and the agreement you have with your wife. And therefore it’s nothing to do with me. *RH confirms that his wife will not condone the robot sex act.* Well then, there’s your answer. That’s it. It’s nothing to do with me. It’s nothing to do with what psychotherapy says. You and your wife have your own contract that has nothing to do with me and she says it’s cheating, so it’s cheating. You also asked this question to David Mitchell. *RH asks PP how David Mitchell had responded.* Victoria said it was cheating. [RH] is sulking. Men.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

Well, I haven’t got very much experience being anything other than Philippa Perry, so I’d probably choose her again. Such a lack of imagination. *RH asks whether PP is that happy being herself.* No, it’s just that I think I’d be less happy being a stallion or a Labrador or Medusa or something else.

If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?

Now, when you said that, you know, you have to say the first thing that comes into your mind. And I fucking hate the first thing that’s come into my mind, which was a really large Anselm Kiefer. And he did these horrible post-war landscapes about as big as the back curtain of this stage. They’re all in really horrible brown and beige colours with horrible, nasty bits of rubber and metal and straw stuck on them. And I’m really annoyed that is the first thing that came up. I think they’re brilliant. I don’t think they’re brilliant, but I sort of also like colour and that is really beige. But they’re quite violent and sort of shocking and, um, you know, they make a nice backdrop for when I’m watching Antiques Roadshow on the telly. Having the Anselm Kiefer in the background.

If you had to throw tomato soup on a work of art that’s in an art gallery, which painting would you choose?

Anselm Kiefer. It would liven it up a bit. Bit of colour would be good. I tell you what, tomato soup on a van Gogh is fine because it’s varnished; it will just wash off. If you threw it on an Anselm Kiefer – all that straw and stuff you would ruin it. So guys, a bit more imagination next time you throw soup.

Have you ever been in a police car?

No. I don’t know why not. Grayson’s been in a police car. *In mocking voice:* Making a documentary. But I haven’t.

Do you think it would be better if the human race just wiped itself out?

Probably, yeah. Yeah, we’re doing really well on them. Yeah, and then the lovely, cuddly, furry animals can just get on with it. *RH notes that humans have already caused the extinction of many species.* I know but maybe cockroaches are going to survive, aren’t they? Little sweetie cockroaches. But ha! They’re going to miss our dropped custard creams, aren’t they?

Who is the biggest idiot that you’ve ever worked for?

I can’t really say that because, you know, litigation and stuff.

Is there a greater philosophical tragedy than the loss of innocence?

That’s a good question, isn’t it? How would you answer that? *RH fondly remembers being a child and not realizing how awful everything is.* Yeah, I’m with you on it’s bad if we’re children forever, and I’d rather know than not know. So, in answer to that, I’d say, “Nah.”

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Of course I haven’t seen a ghost. They don’t exist.


RH notes that during the week of recording, RH’s new book (Can I Have My Ball Back?) becomes available for purchase.

RH reveals that he bet Richard Osman that RH’s book would sell more copies than Osman’s.

RH tells the story about PH drawing a picture of RH falling into lava and being eaten by a crocodile.

RH notes his father’s amazement at Miles Kington’s ability to write a column in The Independent every day while RH was growing up. RH links this to his daily blog writing.