Title: P*ssing On Richard

acast Time: Time
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: January 4, 2022
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Whose one testicle is growing its own testicle.

Acronym Modification
N/A

Cool Kids
I was chatting with the nerds on Masterdom, who understands how it works and aren’t overwhelmed by its unuser friendliness.

Guest Best Known
For her appearance on The Prickles with Tickles Show.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
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Member Member Note
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Emergency Questions

What was the most deluded thing you thought of yourself as a child?

This is not necessarily something I believe, but in terms of narcissism I’ve had times where – This sounds quite dark; I’ve tried to do stand-up about this but it’s never worked, but I do think it’s quite funny. I have had times in my life when I’ve felt very sad and very depressed. But this is the thing. I’m a very depressive narcissist. And there have been times when I’ve thought, like, Maybe I want to, like, end it all. And then I’ve thought, Is there any way I can do stand-up at my own funeral? Can I pre-record it? Anyway… Because I don’t like the idea of other people getting to talk. And what  gig it would be. It would be a great crowd, wouldn’t it? It would be the gig of my life. Well, not, but… I think they’d be onside for that last show. It would just be a shame that I couldn’t be there. The drinks afterward and everything would be…

What’s the worst cheese that you’d still be prepared to eat?

I eat a lot of cheese, yeah. I recently got back into Babybels. And I’ve just been in Paris – Obviously France, famed – famed – for its cheese, and the only cheese I bought was one of those massive, fuck-off Babybels. Just ate it on a street corner. […] And also I’ve recently… My girlfriend is a celiac and so the usual snacks that would be my go-to’s have all changed in the last couple of years. So I’ve also found myself eating a cheese string every now and again. Somebody just gasped at that. Which I would argue was probably one of the worst cheeses. It’s more of a toy, isn’t it, the cheese string? *RH asks whether SK has eaten a cheese string as one would a normal piece of cheese, without pulling the strings.* Yeah, I have. It’s really fucked up. That’s the only selling point of that cheese. If you eat it like – If you just eat it like cheese – It’s not cheese, I think. It’s plastic.

What’s the weirdest way that you have found something that you thought was lost?

I’m not sure. In terms of losing glasses, I put things down in the flat but I don’t remember them. But I block it out, in my head. I’ve got a real habit of – when I go wash my face in the bathroom – I put my glasses on a bag of sanitary towels and then I lose my glasses for about a day. And my girlfriend now knows to go check the sanitary towel bag to see whether or not my glasses are in there. And usually they are. But we had a real glasses loss mystery the other day. And I’m going to tell this and I don’t think it’s going to be a good story, so I’ll just say that in advance. I might deliver it like a mystery and then see if anyone can figure out what happened. So we went out for a walk and my girlfriend left her phone and her glasses on top of a notebook on our table. And when we came back the glasses were gone. And we couldn’t find them anywhere at all. We went for a walk, she wore her prescription sunglasses on this walk, and then she needed them when we got back and we couldn’t find them. And we searched the whole flat; we were looking everywhere. And we couldn’t, we couldn’t find them at all. And I was getting to the point where I thought someone had broken into the flat, taken just her glasses, and then left again. Can anybody hazard a guess as to what happened? *After a couple of incorrect guesses, one audience member answers correctly.* Yes! The phone vibrated, vibrated them off the table, and under the sofa. And unfortunately my girlfriend had been the one to check under the sofa, but she wasn’t wearing her glasses. So about an hour-and-a-half later I checked under the sofa and there they were.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. No, I don’t think so. *In reference to the previous emergency question, RH asks whether SK considered that it might have been a ghost who stole the phone.* I’m ashamed to say it crossed my mind. Because I don’t really believe in ghosts, but I think, I think there might be somebody living in my wall or something. Becausse there’s a cigarette smell that keeps wafting through my spare room. I can’t work out the source. And I’ve gotten to the point – Because I started asking my neighbours about it and nobody smokes. The likelihood is that they’re lying. Um, but I have gotten to the point of sort of strange if this would be a film of someone descending into madness, where I’ve started to think that maybe somebody is living in the walls.

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

Do you think that’s nice? I don’t think I’d want the choice. If it’s going to happen, put anyone in. ‘Cause then it’s weird, isn’t it? Like, if I pick a mate we’re not going to be friends after that, are we? So I can choose anyone? I’m sure most people when answering this question try and think of the person who would have the cleanest, most nutritious shit. Yeah, I’m not saying I’ve had good shit. Trying to remember when the best shit I’ve eaten is. This is a Sliding Doors moment. I don’t… What have you eaten today? Well, this is interesting, isn’t it? Because you want to pick somebody clean, somebody relatively clean-eating in front of you . But then you can pick the worst person in the world. You can pick an enemy. But would you want your enemy’s mouth on your anus? You would? You would? You don’t want it sewn on though, do you? *Conversation turns to potential of just enjoying one’s company.* Maybe a friend of mine I haven’t seen in a few years or something. Ive got a mate that’s living in Australia. Perhaps she can shit in my mouth. It’s a good excuse to spend some time together. Yes, this is a great idea. Because also, I know lots of people who, when they do long flights will go to lots of different places, they don’t shit for a few days. Okay, I will choose my friend who lives in Australia. It would be lovely to see them. My friend who’s been on a long-haul flight who’s only eaten the horrible airplane food. Because what really is that? It will probably still be intact by the time it gets to me. Now you’re disgusted. *Conversation ensues about the means of communication between the parties.* How long are you sewn in for? *RH notes that it would be until death or rescue.* Oh right. Okay. No, I’ve never seen [the film]. It does sound unpleasant.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

Your lost testicle. I’d be very famous. Um, I don’t know. What would I? That’s a good question. If I could be anything in the whole world… I think I would be one of those, um… There was a video of a guy at a baseball game and, um, they let go of the bat and it flies into the audience and he’s so fucking masculine that he pushes his hand, arm out and stops it from hitting his son, just with his arm. I’d be that guy. Yeah. That’s the kind of masculine I want to be. And then I’d want to be that guy, specifically, who has that video, because then I’d just show that at every, like, funeral.

Notes

RH predicts that by the time this episode is released, Elon Musk will no longer be the CEO of Twitter.