Title: Womblin’ Free
acast Time: 1:11:14
Youtube Time: N/A
Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: March 15, 2023
Youtube Publication Date: N/A
Please Welcome a Man
Who is disappointed by Wotsits Crunchy Flamin Hot crisps.
I was hanging around with Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks the other day. This has really split the audience, bet ween those over fifty… Mick McManus was there as well. David, remember him? Kendo Nagasaki, he was there.
Guest Best Known
For his appearance on the Coke New Music Project – it might be Podcast – with Adam and Joe.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
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Member Member Note
Unnamed advises that rather than being a tapestry, the Bayeux tapestry is actually an embroidery.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No, no I haven’t. I haven’t. I’m scared of ghosts, and I was terrified as a kid. I spent most of my childhood afraid of the supernatural and the paranormal. Because anyone who grew up in the ’70’s and ’80’s will remember it was a time of fear and danger… And a time of risk. You know, there was less protection for children. I mean, this stupid Roald Dahl story that’s in the news at the moment. That’s an example of how culture is being a little bit cosseted, and it certainly wasn’t when we were young. It seemed to be terrifying shit at every turn. And I had a big – I had that book, the Usborne Book of the Supernatural. Do you remember that? They had three or four different issues. One on ghosts, one on monsters, one on UFO’s… Ah, and to me they just looked like books of facts. They really did. It’s not as if they were in the “Bullshit” section of the library. They were just in the library, which was a place of information. So I believed it. I thought, Okay, well, at some point in my life I’m going to have to deal with these things. So, Usborne Books have kindly presented me with manuals on how to deal with a vampire attack, a poltergeist attack. If I go on holiday in Saskatchewan – not that I’d get there, pronouncing it like that – then I’d have to deal with Bigfoot. So now, as an adult, I’m armed with all this knowledge.
Have you ever seen a bigfoot?
No, but you know I’m obsessed with Bigfoot. Yeah, I genuinely love Bigfoot. And, uhhh… I met someone who knew someone who saw Bigfoot. Well, listen, in the world of Bigfoot that is impressive, because he’s very hard to… *RH asks whether the Bigfoot-viewer was Brian Blessed.* Now don’t start being silly about Bigfoot. It’s a very serious subject. I’ve been waiting for you to ask it to me for years. And I’m so happy we’ve got onto it so early in the session. […] My Bigfoot is very, very violent and primeval. But this guy – When Adam [Buxton] and I did Glastonbury for the BBC for [Radio] 6 Music, we met – There was a Canadian technician and we were driving – I heard someone whimper, because this is going to get scary. So we’re driving back from Glastonbury and the conversation turns to Bigfoot, as it does, when you’re driving in a car with me. And I can’t do a Canadian accent but he says, “Yeah, my mother saw Bigfoot.” I was like, “What? Oh my God. Tell me, tell me, tell me.” But of course it was just a blurry, hunched figure across a field. But even that gave me a frisson of excitement. *RH wonders why Bigfoot bones have never been discovered.* Well, there’s arguments against this sophistry, because there’s lots of animals that die in the wild and you can’t find their bones. […] There are arguments in books – Usborne books. There’s arguments in Usborne books against this.
What has been your greatest crisp disappointment?
Greatest crisp disappointment. Hmmm. Jesus Christ. Well, every time a packet ends. Yeah, I think so. I mean, the most disappointing thing about crisps, is how revolting they are to eat. There’s no other foodstuff that’s so revolting. You’ve got to get your fingers involved. You’ve got to get your fingers in your mouth to chisel wads of pulp out of your teeth. And, according to dentists, they are the worst foodstuff for your teeth. They’re worse than boiled sweets or chocolate. They are just a poison for the fangs. But they’re so crunchy and delicious. So, yeah. Crisps are delicious, aren’t they? *RH notes that JC is a fan of Pringles.* Well, I like the way – Whoever invented – Whoever made them the shape of a tongue is a genius. The way they can just sit on your tongue like a claggy bit of lettuce, but then just dissolve. *RH notes his distaste for dissolved Pringles.* Of course, that’s the clag. Wasn’t it Bob Mortimer on some – Maybe on Adam’s [Buxton’s] podcast talked about making mashed potatoes from crisps? It sounded fucking revolting. It’s just like getting rid of the crunchy and going straight to clag, which is foul, if you ask me.
How many penises do you think there are on the Bayeux Tapestry?
What, visible? And you’re talking about the anatomical penis; not just pricks? Yeah, I think none. *RH posits that there are 89, although he doesn’t have the answer written down.* Oh, are there? Because is there a naked army that gets attacked?
Do you have any clear childhood memories that simply can’t be true?
No, I’ve had nightmares. I had nightmares as a child that I can vividly remember as if they were real. A man with a wolf’s head and red y-fronts, stepping into my room – literally – when I was a kid. And that can’t be real, can it? I mea, the red y-fronts, yes. That’s within the realm of possibility. No, I don’t think so.
What tune do you use for the hymn O Jesus I Have Promised?
No, no. So don’t worry about that one. We did a thing – Adam once did a thing on the radio show where, like, you quite often find, like – I went to a memorial the other day for a relative who had passed away. And there was a hymn I just had never heard in my life before. So you just have to rif it, right? And they’re quite easy to *to a melody* riffing a hymn is fairly easy because they’re all about the same. And they do this and they do that. And then they end again. They’re mostly all like that. You just have to stay half a beat behind the person next to you.
This is JC’s second appearance.
RH repeats two seal-related jokes written by PH.
RH requests that JC use his Hollywood connections to supply Dick Van Dyke as a future guest.