Title: Title

acast Time: 1:03:38
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: April 26, 2023
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s still as ill as he was last week.

Acronym Modification
N/A

Cool Kids
I was talking to Wheatus; the band Wheatus. Remember the band Wheatus?

Guest Best Known
For being the writer of Revenge Prank with DJ Pauly D & Vinny.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

Artificial Intelligence: What would happen if the world’s last packet of crisps fell into an active volcano?

I think if it didn’t dissolve entirely, ideally it would be Pompeii-esque. Encapsulated, and then people forevermore would understand how much we loved crisps. I was going to say they would overestimate how much as loved crisps, but then I thought, No, I do love crisps that much. *RH explains that so much of Pompeii was preserved due to the initial ash coating.* Well then, its good there’s a right answer to the question.

Artificial Intelligence: What is the most ludicrous thing you’ve ever done in the name of love?

*Audience member suggests CB’s appearance on Comedy Roast Battle.* Fuck you. That was in the name of a paycheque. No, Comedy Roast Battle was a good [unclear]. It broke my poor mother’s heart. No, I actually think Comedy Roast Battle was fine. Loads of people watched it and we did get paid. I’d say, actually, the most ludicrous thing I’ve done in the name of love was buy a taxidermied squirrel. I’ll explain, but it won’t necessarily make it any clearer. I was dating a person who liked taxidermy. *RH comments that this is good.* Or an initial red flag, whichever way you see it. And I desperately wanted to save the relationship that was, sadly, falling apart. And I was in panic mode. You know when youre just like, I’ve just gotta… What can I do to fix this? I’ve gotta do a big, romantic gesture. And I was in Angel, and I walked by a place called Get Stuffed. If you know, it – David Sedaris has written about it but I didn’t know it at the time. If I had, I would have known that this was the most fucking expensive taxidermy shop in the world. Bloody hell. Anyway, I go to this place and I see this sign on the door. And it’s like… It’s obviously full of dead animals, which is in and of itself a good sign that they’re selling them. Or else, what the hell. But I was like, okay… So I stand at the door and I can see the man at the till. And he can see me, and he doesn’t move? So I’m like, there’s no one in the shop, there’s no one outside the shop. The shop it open, but I can’t get in the door. Obviously my first question is, Is he part of the display? Yes. This used t be a pet shop – what’s happening? Man and everyone’s dead. I was like, Okay… He just stares at me and goes back to his book. I was like, This dude… I have to be the first person who’s tried to come in here today. You haven’t had – Nobody else would be this desperate in Angel today. I see this sign on the door that says, “Ring for appointments.” So I ring the number. And in front of me he picks up the telephone. And he goes, “Hello?” And I say, “Hiya. I’m the lady outside.” And he’s like, “Hello.” I was like, “I was wondering if I could come in for an appointment?” And he was like, “When were you thinking?” I was like, “Now would be nice, if that’s cool.” And he was like, “Let me check.” And then he goes through his book. I was like, What is this? There’s no one in there. Anyway, he eventually opens the door. “Yeah, come in.” And he was like, “So, what are you looking for?” And I was like… So I – Look, I’ll be honest with you. I was in a period mania. I had not, like, really eaten enough food that day. I was obviously trying to save my relationship, so I said something to the tune of what I thought was an endearing, like, “Well, my girlfriend really loves taxidermy and I’m really hoping to impress her because we’ve had a bit of a – ” Like, I overshared; as is the comic way. And he blinks, basically. He’s like, “Uh huh.” As if anyone else is in there buying taxidermy for a normal reason, right? I was like, You must get this all the frickin’ time. And then, so I was like, Okay, obviously I’m thinking a romantic gesture. What can I get? This i becoming a longer story than I anticipated. Okay, so I’m like – Thank you. I’ve never told it before and I’m, like, panicking. I was like, Okay, so I need to get, like, a romantic animal. So how much are the birds? He’s like… I point to an owl, which is what David Sedaris bought, and he was like, “Oh yeah, that’s £1500.” And I’m like, *Laughs.* And it was. He wasn’t joking. I was like, Okay, that’s crazy. Obviously that’s insane. But also, I’m in here, so I’m panicking. So I just start going through smaller animals. And they are all still over £1000. Like, we’re talking… I was like, “Okay, what about, like…” Eventually we get down and he was like, “What’s your budget?” And I was like, “I don’t know what my budget for a dead – for, like, roadkill – is.” And eventually I bought – I was like, “She likes squirrels. How much are the squirrels?” And that is the smallest animal I can see in my eyeline, so if I can’t afford a squirrel, I’m fucked. Now I’m about to tell you how much I spent on a squirrel. Um… okay. He’s like, “The squirrel is £420, plus VAT.” Obviously my instinct is, “Do you have a rat or vole, but I can’t see any, so I have to be like, “Okay.” I put it on my credit card. Don’t get credit cards – let me say that. And I leave with the squirrel. Indeed. The judgmental silence is profound right now; it’s heavy. Heavier, even, when you said you’d bum a robot. They were like, “Ha ha,” but this is crazy. So I leave with the squirrel. It – spoiler – does not save the relationship. And then we have to have a conversation that’s like, “Do you want the squirrel or should I take the squirrel?” And I’m like, “Obviously take the squirrel because otherwise I just have this taxidermied trophy of failed – of dead love.” You understand? In a rodent. And now I guess I just walk through parks thinking, That’s £420. That’s £420. That’s £420. Does that answer your question?

Artificial Intelligence: If a butterfly flaps its wings in a forest, and nobody is there to hear it, why did Richard Herring forget to bring his monocle when he recorded the 700th episode of RHLSTP?

*RH notes that this is a potential spoiler, since the 700th episode has not yet been recorded. RH also comments upon not currently wearing a monocle and so needing to purchase one.* That’s cool. You do, and it also sounds that you need to make it part of your personality sufficient so that the monocle would be deemed missing. *RH muses whether butterflies don’t bother flapping their wings in the absence of an observer.* Yeah, I do. I think they’re like comics. I think they, like… Everyone kept being like, “Why did you gig during lockdown?” And I’m like, “Because I – Otherwise, what? I’m just supposed to entertain my friends on Zoom?” It’s a waste. Yeah, I think they are just chilling.

Artificial Intelligence: What would happen if you put a cat in a washing machine and turned it on?

Hopefully jail time. I hope. Wait, is the cat alive or dead? Why is that my question? Just never mind.

Artificial Intelligence: If a cheese wheel is so round, why doesn’t it roll away?

*RH notes that you could simply place the cheese wheel on its side.* Yeah.

Artificial Intelligence: What is the point of life, if not to find something that brings you joy?

Is that an AI-generated question? Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know that it  – I think… I don’t know. I think we’d be less stressed about what the point of life is if the pressure of finding joy weren’t so oppressive, actually. I feel like – Sorry, is that too wanky an answer? I just feel like happiness, as a continued state, it actually isn’t possible. No, because we’d just be a bunch of bimbos. But, like, if we were happy all the time – You know the people… Do you know people who are happy all the time? They’re either, like, pushing something way down or they don’t have a complex thought. I think, um, I mean, maybe they’re blissful, but I think happiness is only miraculous because it’s sporadic. Yeah, but also I think – sorry to be boring – I think the sort of supposition is that if we are down, or if we’re in difficulty, we’ve failed, because we’re not happy, and happy is the goal. Um, whereas actually, like, pain and difficulty and complexity are as compulsory as joy. I think joy is as inevitable as sorrow. I think you can have a miserable time and, because people are people, something will make you laugh, something will make you – Like, there are times when you think, I’ll never feel joy again. And then by some – It is as inevitable as sorrow, but I just think the pressure of it – and this is such a long answer to an inane question asked by a computer. You know what? Men play chess against computers. I can answer the question. I don’t know. I just think, like, it’s a big expectation to put on ourselves that we’re failing if we’re not happy all the time. And actually, like, yeah, it’s one of the points of life. I think other points are just, like, getting through it. *RH states that there’s no point to life.* I don’t know that there’s no point. I don’t know that I agree there. I just don’t think that we have to know what the point is. Like, it will unfold. And I don’t think the point of everyone’s like has to be the same. Like, this idea that there’s a uniform answer. Like, I’m okay with saying some people’s lives had more point, and are more important, than my life. I spent a considerable amount of time in a taxidermy shop. I’m not getting that back. Do you know what I mean? And that’s okay. That’s on me.

Have you ever been stuck in a lift?

No.

If you had to have sex with an animal – if you had to – what animal would you have sex with, if you had to?

No.

If you could go into a chrysalis and turn into anything else – you can melt in there if you want – and you still have your memories, what would you turn into on the other side?

Probably me with fewer anxieties. Is that a bad answer? Better the devil you know? I think me but, like, without any of the, like, gendered shit that sort of makes me hate my body and any of the sort of constant dread that I’m not doing enough. Maybe?

Notes

This is CB’s second appearance.

RH follow-up on the story that members of the public were given the chance to vote on the name a new bridge in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk. One of the shortlisted names was Herring Bridge, which RH encouraged his fans to vote for, and which was the winning name.

RH reads comments from Great Yarmouth residents in reaction to the bridge’s association with RH.

The previous episode featuring KSB was recorded over Zoom due to the COVID-19/coronavirus lockdown.

CB reveals that during the first interview, she was going through a depressive period.

RH has used the artificial intelligence chatbot ChatGPT to create questions tailored to CB.

Where indicated for the given emergency question, RH has used the artificial intelligence chatbot ChatGPT to create the emergency question.

RH reveals that he updates his own Wikipedia page.