Title: Hungover Mastermind

acast Time: 1:05:53
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: Unknown
acast Publication Date: May 24, 2023
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s officially the best dad in the world.

Acronym Modification
N/A

Cool Kids
I was hanging around with Erik Estrada and Larry Wilcox from off of CHiPs: Chicago Highway Police. Remember that show, mate?

Guest Best Known
For his appearance on Love Island: Aftersun. Also, of course, famous for one of the many people on When News Goes Horribly Wrong.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

Artificial Intelligence: What is the most ludicrous thing you’ve ever done in the name of love?

I had a kidney removed – as a Valentine’s gift, yeah. No, basically, I was a very… When I was a teenager, I was the, I was the most achy breaky heart kid in the fucking world. And I was obsessed with the sort of teen dramas and just trying to live like people in teen dramas. And I was also obsessed with two specific girls. And so I would just do things that I saw on these shows to these people. As like, gestures. I was obsessed with a show called The O.C., when I was younger. Have you heard of it? And there’s a character in it called Seth Cohen, who does gestures like he stands on a coffee cart and says, “Acknowledge me now or lose me forever,” in front of the whole school. And he’s not embarrassed. Then Summer Roberts stands on the coffee cart with him and they kiss. And then music plays and it’s great. In reality when you do that, you’re just standing on a brick wall, alone, playing a song out of your phone. And then everyone’s just looking at you going, “What’s going on? What’s he doing?” And then you get bullied for a bit. So, I don’t recommend that. I did lots of stuff like that. I once sent a single rose on Valentine’s Day to a girl I hadn’t met, but decided was the love of my life. So I got her address; you’ve got to give me some credit for that. How’s he done it? They asked me to go on Celebrity Hunted as one of the hunters. But lots of stuff like that. I once literally borrowed a line. Basically, this girl I really – fucking hell – this girl I really liked – So, I then interviewed her on a Radio 4 series I did a while ago to be, like, do you remember all these poems I wrote you and when I would read her poems that I had done. And she would just go, “My God. This is awful.” And then I told a story of how I bought her tickets for us to go see Kate Nash, right, one year when I was, I think about sixteen, seventeen. And it was obviously a romantic gesture. But in the time between buying the ticket and going to the show, she got a boyfriend… and he drove us to the show. That’s how little of a threat I seemed. That he was, like, “Yeah, have a great night, guys. Here’s some money. Get yourself some oysters; I don’t mind.” Um, yeah. It was all that kind of stuff. She finally rejected me, it was the day before we went on the end-of-year holiday to Kavos. And it was my sort of group of male friends were best friends with her sort of group of female friends in the school. And we were all staying in a hotel. And it was just us in this hotel. And basically, like, I had sort of delivered an ultimatum about, like, “Go out with me or you’re dead,” kind of thing. Not quite that, but what I had done, was – She had started to fancy a boy that I was friends with for a while from another school and I saw her slipping away. Not that she was ever in my grasp, whatsoever. And I wrote her, by hand, and did some sort of fancy sort of, you know, bubble writing design at the top of it. And then delivered, directly through her letter box, without a stamp or anything, a poem called “Without You.” Which was just all the things that would happen if I were “without you,” which was things will stay largely the same as I am currently without you. And then the next day she was like, “Okay, let’s meet up and have a chat.” [Unclear] But it was, like… She was saying, “Look, I spoke it over with my mum and I’ve decided that my choice between you and this boy is neither of you.” Like, this isn’t right or whatever. *RH points out that RJ ruined the other boy’s prospects as well.* Yeah. Well, that was great. I was happy. I was very happy with that. That was the only saving grace. But then I said a line, literally directly stolen from Seth Cohen on The O.C. I went, “Fine. Well, I guess you can just go to Kavos tomorrow and I’ll find someone else to walk all over me.” And then I just, I walked home. And then, as I was walking home, I was thinking, I don’t feel that at all. That does not at all reflect what’s happened. I would fucking kill for her to walk anywhere near me, let alone all over me. She’s done the opposite, largely, and left me well alone. So I had to call her and be like, “Sorry, that’s from The O.C.” And she was like, “Yeah, I know. So, yeah, we used to watch that show together. I know The O.C.” It was very embarrassing. “Yeah, I got the reference, for fuck’s sake. Yeah, move on.”

Artificial Intelligence: If a monkey had a magic wand and the ability to cast spells, could they use if to create a portal to a parallel dimension that they would then be able to control the inhabitants of that dimension, or would they be subject to the magical creatures of that said dimension.

Well, on The O.C.…

Artificial Intelligence: If a genie granted you three wishes, but one of the conditions was that you had to make one of your enemies happy, who would you choose and why?

Which enemy? It’s a very difficult question if you’re looking for something broadcast-able, because obviously all my enemies are comedians. And I don’t want a… I don’t want a public beef. I’d like to keep the grudges internal, until they become a tumour and I die. *RJ gives it some thought.* Aw fuck it, that’s even worse. That one’s a commissioner. Okay, there’s a specific commissioner… No, I don’t actually want to make him happy, actually. I just wouldn’t have the wishes. I’d rather not have the wishes than make any of these people happy.

Artificial Intelligence: What would happen if the world’s last packet of crisps fell into an active volcano?

Because you’ve got to assume if we’re on the world’s last packet of crisps, everyone knows about it. So it means if they fall – To fall into an active volcano, what are they falling from? It can’t really be someone’s hand, can it? Well, its active it’s not literally… Or they fall out of an aircraft, something like that. But then again, how is that happening? How do things fall out of aircrafts? You can’t open the windows. *RH wonders what happened to the rest of the crisps.* And if there are no potatoes, we’ve used the last ones to make one packet of crisps. But I do think it would be, it would be the international news story, if there was one packet of crisps left. It would be. If we knew, and it would be, like, Richard Osman would make a reality show out of it, for a start. He would make some sort of show about how we can preserve this packet of crisps. Who gets to have the packet of crisps? Maybe that’s the final. It’s like Lord of the Rings, you know?

If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?

Um, I guess you’re going to want someone who… Because you want to maximize the amount of actual nutrients that you can get, I suppose. So, you know, someone who eats a lot of sweet corn, for example. You’re at least getting some real food in amongst… Are we assuming that the person at the front gets to choose their meals? Or is it chosen by some sort of ombudsman? “Off you go. We’ve got you a table at Nando’s.” I mean, I would love to see a human centipede going in and them asking, “Have you been to Nando’s before?” I would love that. “Yes. all three of us have been to Nando’s.” […] Okay, if they’re not choosing their own meals, then I don’t know what the debate even is. Is it just whose ass I’m most into being sewn against? Um, okay. Front is the man with four kidneys from Hertfordshire. Back is *bleep censored.* *Conversation wanders into possible sexual acts for a human centipede. RJ later updates his response to indicate RH should be in the front, so RJ would only have one ball hitting him in the chin.*

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

Yes, yeah. He’s doing well, isn’t he? Yeah, it’s very frustrating because for someone to come along in a much more popular thing, immediate win the Champions League, and play for England with your name, who is ten years younger than you, it’s a fucking nightmare. It’s an absolute disaster. Twenty-two. He’s twenty-two years-old and he’s a footballer. So his ceiling for success is so much higher than a comedian who is thirty-two’s ceiling for success. He’s literally – he’s so good, as well. He, I think, will win the World Cup before he’s thirty. I am just trying to get on Taskmaster before I’m bald. That’s all it is. That’s the race that I’m in. Could you put a word in?

Notes

RH expresses wish to capitalize on PH’s conflation of Albert Einstein and Frankenstein’s monster.

RJ reveals that RH gave him his first quote when RJ was beginning his comedy career.

RJ discloses the quote: “Rhys had the best one-liners of the night. Big things await. Annoyingly talented cunt.”

RJ confirms that Swindon is his hometown.

After RJ is unable to guess it, RH notes that the tallest building is Swindon is the David Murray John Building.

RH researches frequently asked question concerning RJ. Unable to find some other answer to a particular question, RH asks RJ whether he is deaf.

When asking the emergency question about making an enemy happy, RH notes that he would make Stewart Lee happy, except that this act would destroy Lee.