The below is a list of emergency questions. The way a question is formulated below represents how it was posed the first time the question was asked.
The order in which the emergency questions are displayed corresponds to the order they were originally asked during the lifespan of the podcast. For example, “Have you ever tried to suck you own cock?” was the first emergency question ever asked, so it is the first question in the list.
Where a person’s name or a website precedes the emergency question, that is its original source. All other emergency questions should be attributed to Richard Herring.
When clicked on, each question expands to reveal a list of guests to whom the question has been posed. Each name is linked to their episode’s blog post on this site. The guest’s response to the emergency question can be found in the “Emergency Questions” section of the blog post.
Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?
Deborah Frances-White & Siobhan McSweeney
Graham Linehan & Armando Iannucci
Lost Voice Guy
Dara Ó Briain
Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith
Do you think Jonathan Ross has ever attempted to suck his own penis?
If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?
Mark Charnock & Dominic Brunt
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Ed Miliband & Geoff Lloyd
Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Mark Charnock & Dominic Brunt
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Flo & Joan
Dr Sophie Hay
Lost Voice Guy
No Such Thing As A Fish
Dara Ó Briain
Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith
Mary Lynn Rajskub
If you were a ghost what is the first thing you would do with your ghostly powers?
Have you ever seen a bigfoot?
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Dara Ó Briain
Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith
Mary Lynn Rajskub
If you had to have sex with an animal, if you had to, what animal would you have sex with, if you had to?
What heat sauce do you have when you go to Nando’s?
If men evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?
Have any of your siblings ever seen a ghost?
Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?
If Frankie Boyle is the Mick Jagger of comedy, the outspoken voice of the disenfranchised youth, dehumanized by the press and feared by parents nation-wide, then Dave Gorman is Ringo Starr. He’s an everyman. He’s well known and provides entertainment in a variety of guises, but he still gives the impression he’d be incredibly polite if he ever met your mother. Discuss.
When you eat asparagus, does your wee then smell of asparagus?
When your wife eats asparagus, does her wee smell of asparagus afterwards? And if you didn’t know, would she let you smell her wee to find out?
Would you prefer to have a hand made out of sun cream or an armpit that dispensed ham?
Have you ever eaten asparagus?
If you were doing a Leicester Square Theatre Podcast, what emergency question would you ask?
Ben Evans: Why were you the bad guys in The Borrowers?
Ben Evans: Why did you agree to do Thunderpants?
Ben Evans: What is it like being Stephen Fry?
Did Julius Caesar ever try to suck his own cock?
Ben Evans: Sadie Evans: What is “I hate you” in Latin? I want to say it to my brother.
Ben Evans: What do you think is the most inimitable thing the Romans came up with or did?
If you had to have sex with a Roman god, which would you have sex with?
Ben Evans: Archie Vandervlett: What’s it like being John Lloyd? (I want to be in the papers.)
How many chemicals are there in a carrot?
Ben Evans: Evan Warburton: Did you eat jellybeans after being in Hop?
Ben Evans: Antony [unintelligible]: Do you like having your hair so long and are you going to cut it?
Ben Evans: Antony [unintelligible]: What is your best joke?
Ben Evans: Who is Ant Man and why does he merit a film about himself?
Ben Evans: Archie Vandervlett: What is your favourite film from the following genres: comedy, horror, sci-fi?
Ben Evans: Archie Vandervlett: Do you prefer Chinese or Thai food?
Ben Evans: In primary school I came up with a story about another 11-year old called Mark Thomas. Shortly after telling my father the story, I found out your name was the same as my character. So my question is: Why did you steal my character’s name?
Ben Evans: Jonathan Wright: Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?
Have you ever tried to give yourself cunnilingus?
What would it take for you to fellate the actor Keith Allen?
What is it like being *guest*?
On Live at the Apollo,what does it feel like to be standing behind the massive sign with “Live At the Apollo” written on it?
Do you have any unusual phobias?
Would you rather have a hand made out of ham, an armpit that dispensed sun cream, or a tit that dispensed talcum powder?
Ben Evans: Do you know how to speak in Persian? And if so, what is “I have an orange fingernail” in Persian?
Ben Evans: You used to do a CBBC show called Hounded. I enjoyed it very much. Are you ever going to do it again?
Ben Evans: This isn’t a question, but I understand you did some promotional videos for Mario Kart 7
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Helen & Olly
Dara Ó Briain
What inspired you to do what you do?
Ben Evans: Can you talk about that thing you did where you were singing with a bunch of other people and some people gave you money?
Ben Evans: What did you do on the CBBC programme Stupid and what was it like?
If you had to marry one of the Muppets, which one would you marry?
Ben Evans: How was it being in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix?
Ben Evans: Hello Miles Jupp. Or should I say, Archie the Inventor? You ruined my childhood. None of your inventions worked. Any new projects of yours?
Ben Evans: What is your favourite character on Balamory? Not yourself.
Ben Evans: How do you think Simon Pegg was chosen to play the amazing role of Thompson in the new Tintin film?
Ben Evans: Are you proud to be the voice everyone knows on the adverts for Barkleys and Waterstones?
Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?
Ben Evans: Will there be another TV series of Bug? It is very good.
What was being in The IT Crowd like?
If you were going to go on Dragon’s Den, what would you pitch on Dragon’s Den?
Who would you have sex with if you had a time-travelling penis?
Ben Evans: Sam Wright: Do you use the words “diddly” and “doodly” around the house?
Ben Evans: Sam Wright: What is your favourite Simpsons episode?
Where do you get your crazy ideas from?
Ben Evans: Archie Vandervlett: Are you excited to know there is going to be a better Godzilla film than the one you were in?
How did the death of Thomas Beckett affect the Anglo-Papal relations in the 12th-century?
What have you tried for the first time this year/recently?
What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?
If your moustache could travel through time, where would you send it?
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
Victoria Coren Mitchell
Rob Delaney & Sharon Horgan
Paul Putner & Trevor Lock
Mary Lynn Rajskub
If in the event of a zombie apocalypse, what tactics would you employ?
Do you think that there’s a true conspiracy theory?
Do you have conceptual art ideas?
Do you ever get mistaken for a different celebrity?
Were you ever rude to a celebrity when you were young?
I’m not going to ask you the full question but, as a vegan, if someone had given you a magic choice between having a breast, nipple, that produced talcum powder, or a hand made out of ham, and you’d opted for the hand made out of ham, would you eat your own ham hand? Or would you feel that would make you a bad vegan?
Have you ever seen a goat?
Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?
Ben Evans: What was up with Prize Island?
Ben Evans: Evan Warburton: Do you get many people joking about your show being called Pointless?
Ben Evans: Nicky Tsoi: How many years have you been in Pointless?
Unspecified Child: If I got turned into a turkey, what would you do and why?
Which mythical Irish creature would you rather be: a leprechaun or a Jesus?
What do you think Lord Alan Sugar should call his autobiography?
Do you have any feelings about how cutlery should be placed in the dishwasher?
If you had a finger that could travel through time…
Have you ever tried to suck Nick Clegg’s cock?
Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?
Drunk Women Solving Crime
Stevie Martin & Tessa Coates
No Such Thing As A Fish
If you could choose between having a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a hand made of ham…
What weighs more: 1kg of steel or 1 kg of feathers?
Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a dead animal?
Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a live animal? And which would be worse?
What is worse, bestiality or necrophilia?
Why can’t everyone be babies?
What is the worst emergency you’ve ever been involved in?
Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?
If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?
Why do elephants have such low rates of cancer?
Sport is intrinsically stupid. Discuss.
If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?
Kickstarter: Tim Turner says, “Richard Dawkins claims to have seen dogs doing a 69. What’s the worst lie you have told to impress people?”
Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?
If you could choose between having a tit that dispensed talcum powder and a finger that could cure but also cause cancer…
What was the most deluded thing you thought of yourself as a child?
What fictional childhood character’s skull would you like to see in a museum?
If you could have a hand made of bacon or a cock made out of herring, which would you prefer?
Would you rather date a woman who was a 6-foot tall vulva, or a woman who instead of having a vagina had another tiny woman in her place?
BuzzKenya.com: Is there anything purple within ten feet of you?
What trajectory are you hoping to push yourself onto?
MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?
LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?
If you had the option of adopting a baby fox or a baby koala, which one would you choose?
What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?
If you could have a law named after you, what would it be?
Do you ever worry that you have already lived your life and are now in a care home with Alzheimer’s disease and what you perceive as reality is just a distorted memory of the first time this happened?
BuzzNigeria.com: Which are your two favourite careers and why?
Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?
Deborah Frances-White & Siobhan McSweeney
Ben Bailey Smith
What do you consider to be the most mediocre chocolate bar?
Should penis transplants be allowed?
Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever demolished a wall or a building?
Why do we have frozen peas?
What is the worst rumour you’ve heard about yourself?
Would you consider sex with a bigfoot as cheating on your partner?
Have you ever been in the vicinity of a bigfoot, but not seen it?
What would you call a man who could suck his own cock?
Who would you rather died: Windsor Davies or Matthew Crosby’s wife?
I have given up on Domino’s pizza. I have had enough. It’s always fucking horrible. Is there anything that you have given up on in a similar way?
If you were granted the powers of a King Midas, but could choose what everything was going to turn into, what would everything turn into?
Have you ever killed someone, but never spoke about it and would you like to speak about it now?
Do you think the Tim Allen film The Santa Clause could ever happen in real life?
What was the most impressive celebrity that ever came to your school?
Did any future celebrities go to your school?
Could you ever have sex with someone who called breasts “boobies”?
If you could choose the liquid that you weed, what liquid would you wee?
If you were God, what flavour would you have made ejaculate?
If you had to do a human centipede with two other people, if you had to, but you could choose the two other people, and you’re in the middle, who would you choose?
All Killa No Filla
Mark Charnock & Dominic Brunt
Ed Miliband & Geoff Lloyd
My Dad Wrote a Porno
If you dropped your phone down the port-o-loo at Glastonbury on the third day, would you retrieve the phone?
What was the least impressive celebrity that ever came to your school?
What is the worst thing you’ve ever tried to squeeze down the drain of a shower?
What is your third earliest memory?
If you had your dream dinner party and you could invite anyone you wanted, living or dead, who would you employ to do the washing up? They are not allowed into the party but they will get tantalizing glimpses of the of the conversation but never hear the punchline so they’re not allowed in and it would be very frustrating for them.
Do you remember the first time you were stung?
Have you ever been possessed by a demon, or been accused of being a demon, and are you a demon? Because I think you’re a demon.
Have you ever been in the vicinity of a celebrity when they farted?
If you had to choose between killing all of the Eggheads and all of the Chasers on The Chase, which group of quiz nerds would die?
Do you have a preferred ear?
Do you Google yourself?
Would you rather be lactose intolerant or the Prime Minister of the Central African Republic?
Do you think thunderstorms were invented by NASA to muffle the sound of space battles?
Have you ever watched something on Facebook Live that hasn’t been totally shit?
Does sex with a robot count as cheating if the robot is an exact copy of your partner in looks and personality?
How about if the robot is an exact copy of what your partner looked like when you first met them?
Would you rather live in the waxy ear of a grumpy giant, eating only what flies in there by accident and not being able to make a noise for fear of a huge cotton bud, or live in Middlesbrough?
If you had to drink the entire contents of a well-stocked sperm bank, or be placed in a coma for ten years, where everyone thinks you’re not conscious but you actually hear and feel everything, which option would you take?
Would you rather have a mirror in which you can see all your dead relatives and friends but not be able to talk to them but see them sadly waiting or would you like a voucher for 2-for-1 pizzas at Pizza Express, Monday through Thursday?
Would you rather have pubic hair made from unremovable barbed wire, or be attacked by a rabid badger in your sleep once a week?
Have you ever met a shepherd?
If you had to have sex with either Zippy, Bungle, George, Geoffrey, or Rod from Rainbow, whilst Jane and Freddy at sex with each other next to you – but they’re married, that’s allowed, but can’t join in – which of the people from Rainbow would you have sex with?
If I’m born a bigot, does anyone have the right to tell me my lifestyle choice is wrong and I should change and be like them?
If you had to permanently seal up one of the holes in your body, not including the pores in your skin of your hair follicles, which would you choose?N
Would you rather have an elbow made of marshmallow, or a foot that transformed into a werefoot every full moon?
Would you prefer to have lungs that turned oxygen into jam that would come out the pores of your skin and be scraped into bottles and sold, as long as you didn’t tell your customers where it was coming from, or an anus that weeped mānuka honey, which could also be sold, although imagine the anger if people found out where you’d been getting that sweet, sweet honey?
If you had to live out the rest of your life being either Toby Young or Dom Joly, would you just kill yourself now?
Have you ever had an altercation with a shepherd?
What is your favourite memory of being halfway somewhere?
What makes you so special?
When was the last time you cried?
If you had to have sex with a right-wing politician, if you had to, which Tory, right-wing politician would you have sex with?
If your genitals had to turn into a sea creature for one day every month, but you could choose the sea creature they turned into, what sea creature would you like that to be?
What is your favourite use of sand?
Have you ever pretended to be your own twin?
Are you proud of yourself?
Are you a fan of Norman Wisdom, by which I mean the knowledge and understanding of the 10th- and 11th-century people from Normandy?
Would you rather be able to turn your head like an owl or have a neck that telescopes up to the length of a giraffe’s neck, but can go back down again to normal?
Have you ever seen a starling?
Is there a race of people who you secretly believe should be exterminated in death camps?
Do you think Toy Story 2 could ever happen in real life?
What is your favourite track by the performing artist Joe Dolce?
If you could teleport anywhere in the universe right now, where would you go?
Who do you think deserves a statue of themselves who hasn’t got a statue of themselves currently?
Would you rather your anus was replaced by a cat’s anus, or your public hair was replaced by a cat’s whiskers?
What is your favourite archaic word or phrase?
Would you rather be immune from ever getting chlamydia or have free Kit Kats for life?
What is the worst Adam Sandler film, in your opinion?
Have you ever seen anything truly unexpected in a bagging area?
Is it just me, or is the aftertaste to a Pringles crisp just a little bit claggy?
Which was your favourite McWhirter twin?
What is your favourite fraction?
If you had to be anally violated by a popular chocolate bar, if you had to, which chocolate bar would you choose to be inserted in your anus?
After you have been anally violated by the chocolate bar, who would you like to then eat the chocolate bar, not knowing where it had been, whilst you secretly watch them?
What swear word would you like repeatedly shouted by a drunk man at your funeral? The drunk man is turning up regardless and is going to shout something, so you might as well choose.
What one photo would you send out to aliens?
Where do you see yourself in 500 years’ time?
Do you think they’ll ever make a Hunger Games-style film, but based around the ITV daytime quiz show Tipping Point?
If you didn’t have to have sex with Zippy, Bungle, George, Geoffrey, or Rod, but not Jane or Freddy, who would now be asleep, but they said they were up for it if you fancied it, but not an orgy situation, it would have to be one-on-one, would you have sex with one of them, and which one?
If you could have all your teeth replaced by psychic orbs that could tell you all future events by telepathy but would scream it a high-pitched volume every time you opened your mouth, would you go ahead with the teeth replacement operation?
What’s your favourite colour?
What is the most pretentious book you’ve ever bought but not read?
What is the most unusual thing you’ve ever used as a toilet paper substitute?
What is the strangest thing you have ever found in the embers of a bonfire?
If you had a finger that could cure rectal cancer but only if you pushed it hard up the anus of the cancer sufferer, would you cure anyone, everyone, or be like Jesus and just cure a few?
Who do you consider the most appalling member of Margaret Thatcher’s cabinet (excluding Margaret Thatcher)?
If everyone else in the world left in a spaceship and left you behind, so everything belonged to you, where would you live? What paintings would you have on your wall? Would you be lonely? Where would be the most ostentatious place you would masturbate?
If you had to live the rest of your life either as Chandler from Friends or as the actor Matthew Perry, which of those would you choose?
What is the shortest time between buying something expensive/nice and breaking it that you have experienced?
Have you ever surprised a dog?
What is the worst place you’ve ever picnicked?
Do you think you’ve cried more tears or created more sexual juices in your lifetime? And would you appreciate some afterlife It’s a Knockout affair to settle the question in heaven?
Would you rather be an orchestra that has been assimilated by the Borg, and endlessly plays only orchestral versions of Mel and Kim songs, or a cart horse that has to pull a cart full of corpses of all your cart horse friends around all day long but is otherwise treated well and gets Sunday off?
If you had to have your genitals stapled to the face of a celebrity, and had to walk around for the rest of your life with your genitals stapled to their face, if you had to, which celebrity would you have your genitals stapled to and how do you imagine you would negotiate with them about whose turn it is to do stuff?
How do you think having your genitals stapled to their face would impact on their job?
Would you rather have a heart made out of diamonds or a spade made out of clubs?
What do you most regret destroying with fire?
Who is your favourite mythological figure?
Which is the best of the cartoon cats?
If I have food on my face or food stuck in my teeth, would you tell me about it?
Would you rather be a bogey or some belly button fluff?
What’s the strangest name you’ve ever heard someone give to their parents?
What is the most libelous thing you can say about Prince Andrew, remembering it can not be true?
Boxer shorts or serendipity?
What is the strangest thing you’ve found in your cleavage, belly button, or anal cleft?
When’s International Men’s Day?
What is your favourite direction on the compass?
What’s the most unusual thing you ever collected?
If you could put a custard pie in the face of anyone in the world, with no returns, who would you custard pie?
What do women want?
Have you ever had a dream that accurately predicted the future?
What is the most expensive thing you have ever lost?
When you have fears that you may cease to be before your pen has glean’d your teeming brain, what do you do about that?
If you had to eat a person, if you had to, who would you eat and in what order would you devour their body sections?
How much is a pint of bull semen?
What age do you think you have to be to be old?
Have you ever been belittled by a scaffolder?
Wasn’t Brexit a brilliant idea?
Is there a part of you that would actually like to live in a Christmas future where Tiny Tim has died in infancy?
How many ghosts are there in The Christmas Carol?
Does it ever concern you the name Minstrels has a potentially racist derivation? I mean, sure there were minstrels during the Middle Ages, but is that what Galaxy names the chocolates after? Are you being slightly racist if you enjoy them?
Is it cheating to have sex with a robot Santa Claus?
Do you think Christmas is celebrated on other planets? Which ones?
What became of the gold, frankincense, and myrrh? They’re mentioned there at the beginning of the Bible, then we never hear about them again. To a humble biblical family like the Christs, wouldn’t that have been the equivalent of a roll-over lottery win? How come they still lived in relative poverty?
In the song The Twelve Days of Christmas, do you think that along with the eight maids a milking, the true love received eight cows, or do you think she was expected to provide the cows from her own pocket? Because that severely devalues the gift. If the cows are included, that actually means she got sixteen things that day, thus ruining the song.
Have you ever hidden in a Zedbed?
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Who is your favourite Quaker?
Do you think Christmas might have been invented by a mulled wine salesman, desperate to get rid of a warehouse full of little muslin bags full of weird spices?
What is the funniest fart you have witnessed around the Christmas dinner table?
If you had to marry a piece of furniture, if you had to, which piece of furniture would you marry?
Would you rather be allergic to wood or not?
What’s the worst swap you’ve ever made?
Why do you think everyone stopped wearing hats?
What is the most valuable thing that you have ever buried?
Do you have a celebrity hand twin?
Would you rather have a clitoris in the crook between your thumb and finger, or have a bionic nose?
Would you like to taste my special porridge?
How do you decide when it’s time to retire a pair of pants?
Can you believe you’ve read this far?
Have you ever fallen victim to a con man?
What is the strangest thing you’ve ever found in your junk email?
Do you have a favourite plate?
How cracked/broken does a mug have to be before you throw it away?
What is the most public place you have ever given or received oral sex?
What is the most mundane encounter you have had with a celebrity?
Have you ever improvised a condom?
What is the biggest animal whose life you have saved?
What film/story would you like to see remade by the Muppets?
If every time you farted a fairy died an agonizing death, would you stop farting?
Why did Itsu in Notting Hill change from a sit-down sushi restaurant, with all the stuff going around on the conveyor belt, to just selling stuff out of fridges?
Who would win in a fight: King Kong or King Dong?
Why can’t we live forever?
What is the worst music that you’ve had on whilst having sex?
What is the most beautiful thing that you have ever destroyed?
Would you rather be able to stop time and rewind your life twenty seconds, but only once per day, or touch God’s cock?
Do you think it’s possible that we’re all robots that we are all robots and we don’t know we’re robots?
What is the most humiliating thing you’ve ever done for chocolate?
If you had to stick a Borrower up your ass, if you had to, which Borrower would you stick up there?
How is anyone with any intelligence not an alcoholic?
What has been your least enjoyable experience of food poisoning?
What was the last thing you lamented?
What was the last thing you lamented laminating?
Would you rather have dandruff that doubled up as an acceptable substitute for ground coriander, or smegma that tasted like the most delicious cottage cheese?
Do you think that Dr. Who ever tried to suck his own cock?
If you had to put three Doctors in a human centipede, which three would you put in?
We’ve all built a snowman, right? What’s the most unusual thing or being that you’ve ever crafted out of snow?
In films, snowmen are always coming to life. If that really happened, would you be happy or just freaked out?
What do you think is the lamest modern-day item that you could take back to the Middle Ages and then it would lead to you becoming king of the Middle Ages?
If you had to wear somebody’s guts for garters, if you had to, who would you disembowel to facilitate your socks staying up?
You are dressed so well tonight. What was your worst fashion decision you ever made?
Have you ever travelled on West Midlands Railway? If not, what is your least favourite railway company?
What is your favourite flat thing?
Would you rather be furry like a bear or scaly like a fish?
Would you rather have a fold-out table that grew out of your rib cage and which could be put up and down in mere seconds, or a stretchy back skin which could be pulled over your head to act as a makeshift bivouac?
Were you ever in a fan club?
What’s the most impressive place that you have revealed you’re naked?
Would you rather be the face of a twin, mostly absorbed in utero, staring out of the stomach of your otherwise regular twin – you would be able to think independently and talk and pass comment on what they were up to and chat with them if they’re lonely or if you’re lonely, or be the prisoner of a randy bigfoot, who so far has treated you kindly enough but has a look in his eye?
Would you rather have the living face of your own twin, who you had mostly absorbed in utero staring out of your stomach, who would be able to think independently and talk and pass comment on what you were up to and chat with you when you’re lonely, or live on top of a pole in the desert for thirty years like Simeon Stylites?
Have you or do you suspect that you’ve ever made love to an insect that has taken human form for the night?
What is the largest number of insects that you have been attacked by at one time?
If there are ever sex robots, as any right-thinking person hopes, would they be self-cleaning or would there be another small robot that would clean the sex robot or would there be a person whose job was to clean out the sex robot before the next person used it? Can you think of a worse job?
If you could travel in time and have sex with any historical figure, who would you have sex with?
If you had to invent a fifth season, which two other seasons would you put it in between, and what would happen in it?
Have you ever been on a plane that’s been in an emergency and seen a genuine look of fear on the face of a flight attendant?
If, like Adam Sandler in The Cobbler, you had the power to transform yourself into any person with the same size feet as you by wearing their shoes after you’d cobbled them on a magic machine, which person with the same size feet as you would you become?
How many spoons do you think there are in Cairo?
Marmite: Do you love it or hate it? Or do you not mind it? Or have you never tried it, in which case shall we go and buy some and you can try it? Okay, got some now – taste it. Do you love it or hate it or are you ambivalent or somewhere on a sliding scale between those points, if so, quantify that as a percentage, where hate is naught percent and love is one hundred percent?
Who or what is your favourite Jacob or Jacobs?
What do you think of the decision made by Jeffrey Katzenberg of Disney Studios to cut the song When Love is Gone from the theatrical release of A Muppet Christmas Carol? I mean, it’s a bit soppy, but surely it ruins the balance at the ending, when the song is reprised, as The Love We Found. Doesn’t it? I’m not calling Katzenberg a prick – that’s not my place. Not on this special day.
What is the smallest amount of money you have received in a Christmas card from an elderly relative?
Do you have a favourite joke?
Have you ever caught a falling nun?
If you could spend Christmas with any celebrity, who would it be and how would you explain to them why you were in their house?
Knees and elbows seem flawed – I think we can all agree about that. What do you find most annoying about them and how would you improve them?
How many tennis balls would fit inside a Boeing 737, to the nearest three?
If I asked you to get a moon rock for me right now, where would you go and how would you get it?
If you had to have the head of another human being grafted onto your shoulder in order to save space and resources, whose head would you be okay with having placed next to yours? Would it be better or worse if it was your partner’s? How much money would you have to be paid to go along with the arrangement? What if it was your head that was going to be put on someone else’s body? Have a good think about it. It wouldn’t all be bad.
What is the most surprising thing you’ve ever found in a tumble dryer?
Which sense could you do without?
If you only had a week to live, who would you tell to go fuck themselves?
What did you buy with your first week’s wages?
What do you think would be the worst flavour for a flavoured condom?
Have you ever slept overnight to be first in a queue?
What food have you consumed the longest after its expiration date and what were the consequences of that, if any?
If you were stranded on a desert island and were allowed to have eight disc-shaped items with you, but you could not have two of any individual item, which eight discs would you have with you?
What was the weirdest reason you ever skived off school?
For your money, which STD would win in a world cup of sexually-transmitted diseases?
What is your favourite oxide?
What was the worst thing a teacher ever said or did to you at school? And was it a games teacher?
Is there anything you’d like to have made for you specially by porn stars?
What is your favourite keyboard shortcut?
Do you wash your legs when you’re having a shower?
Why do they call the place you put your fresh bread a bread bin, and what do they call the place where you dispose of your non-fresh bread?
If you had to bum – either with your genitals or a dildo – one of the main characters in the TV show Red Dwarf, who would you bum and would you use your genitals or a dildo? And remember it’s the character, not the actor.
Do you think you would have made a good sheriff in the Wild West?
Have you ever sat on a tuffet? What do you think a tuffet is?
What is more important to you: brains or beauty?
If you could have a sexual superpower, what would it be?
Phoebe Herring: What do you think rainbows smell of?
What is the most disgusting household chore that you secretly quite enjoy doing?
I like your hair, but what was your most disastrous haircut? Warning: Don’t say the first bit to a bald person, or probably the second bit.
Isn’t it best just to get the sex out of the way as soon as possible in a relationship to discover if there’s anything more than physical attraction going on?
You should never put an ice lolly in your vagina. But if you had to, which ice lolly would you put in your vagina?
Can money buy you happiness?
Have you ever bought a biscuit or chocolate bar that has turned up with an ingredient missing from it? And was it better or worse?
What faulty machine once gave you an unexpected cash or free item windfall?
What is the most alarming thing that has entered or exited your body?
If the sun wasn’t going to come up tomorrow unless you threw a member of your family into a volcano, which member of your family would you throw into the volcano, or would you not throw anyone in and doom your hemisphere to icy death?
Who was the biggest prick at your school?
What is the most slapstick thing that has even happened to you in real life?
What is the most selfish thing you’ve ever prayed for and what do you think God made of your self-centered request?
What’s the most unusual thing you’ve ever rented?
Have you ever stolen a golf buggy?
What is the most stupid thing you’ve done for love?
Would you rather have a neck like a giraffe or a tongue like a lizard?
How often do you replace your pillows?
Have you ever had a crumpled ball?
Did you know that Jools Holland’s Hootenanny is pre-recorded?
Is your happiest memory of a time when you were alone or with other people?
If you could take one item from any museum or art gallery – and you’re allowed to take it home with you – in the world, what would you take?
Flo & Joan
Deborah Frances-White & Siobhan McSweeney
Dr Sophie Hay
Max & Ivan
What was the biggest lie your parents ever told you?
Obviously you must never put chocolate in your vagina; you know that. But if you had to put a chocolate bar in your vagina, which chocolate bar would you put in your vagina?
What is the largest animal that you think you could take down in a fight?
Have you ever taken a lie detector test?
What’s the least impressive thing you can spend a lot of money on?
What is the funniest thing that has ever happened to you at a funeral?
What is your favourite pinball table?
Do you ever secretly wonder if you are the new Jesus?
Do you ever wonder if secretly you’re a prince or princess and that you’ll one day take your rightful place on the throne?
Are human beings ultimately selfish creatures?
Which is the best caves: Cheddar Caves or Wookie Hole?
Isn’t silver actually better than gold?
Have you ever planted a tree or chopped one down? If you’ve done both, which was the more satisfying?
Why do we even bother?
What is the tamest image or thought that you have used for masturbatory purposes?
If an older version of you came back from the future and gave you advice about what you should do with your life, would you take the advice or assume that the you from the future was evil and trying to screw you over?
What is the most unlikely thing you’ve mistaken for a toilet?
Would you rather have a hand made out of ham or equality?
What is the worst example or mansplaining that you have encountered or seen?
Would you rather have the ability to shoot bees out of your eyes or have a pair of shoes that never needed to be cleaned or repaired?
Do you think it would be cheating if I had sex with you when you were being the robot in Passengers?
King Herod never killed any children. Discuss.
Have you ever tried tilting at windmills?
Have you got what it takes to be a steeplejack?
What was the worst thing that a relative bought you something for Christmas that wasn’t quite what you wanted but you had to pretend to like it anyway?
What kind of animal do you think the Teletubbies are?
If you had to put everyone called Smith in a league table based on their worth, who would be A) the best Smith, B) the median Smith, and C) the worst Smith. Only answer when you can give a name for all three Smiths.
Do you think that Barry from EastEnders ever tried to suck his own cock?
Have you ever tried to suck each other’s cocks?
Who’s the most surprising famous person you’ve been in a lift with? And which I mean, you can’t have gotten into the lift with them; they had to be in the lift you were in.
Michael Ian Black
Max & Ivan
Would you rather have no ears or no dignity?
Do you think anyone genuinely enjoys skiing?
What do you consider the biggest waste of time from your life thus far?
What’s your favourite type of dinosaur? Would you like one as a pet? What would be the potential drawbacks?
Do you think that the voice in your head that you perceive as yourself is the one making the actual decisions, or is there a shadowy other you for whom the you voice is just a toadying spokesperson who never speaks but makes all the actual choices that the you voice then has to justify to you?
What is the largest vehicle you’ve driven?
If your genitals had to be replaced by the face of one of the Muppets – the face would be able to interact and communicate in exactly the same way as the puppet – which puppet face would replace your genitals?
Which kid at your school had the worst schoolbag?
Which celebrity do you think is the most likely to have a collection of the severed fingers of his or her victims made into a bizarre necklace that he or she wears when they’re away from the spotlight?
What if part of the Frankenstein is taken from your partner?
Is it cheating to have sex with someone who has had an organ donated to them by your partner, or is it your duty?
Overall, wouldn’t you rather your family just totaled up how much Christmas costs and then divided that sum of money equally between you all?
Who is the best Benny?
What do you think the fourth law of robotics should be?
Do you think God has ever tried to suck his own cock?
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you tell me I should ask for a refund from the author of this book?
Who is the most evil person you have ever met?
What is the worst thing that has happened to you on holiday?
Which non-potato crisp is the best?
Have you ever been put into a poisonous coma by hornets?
If you and your four best friends were in the Spice Girls, what would be your Spice names? This is a trick question. The names are easy; the real question is to work out who your four best friends are.
Of the four friends you chose to be in your Spice Girls band, and who you’ve given funny names, how many do you think would have chosen you to be in their Spice Girls band?
Have you ever been refused entry to a country?
Have you ever been in a motorboat?
Richard accidentally elbowed Denise van Outen in the face on Channel 5’s Celebrity Game Night. What is the worst injury you have directly or indirectly caused to a celebrity or person of renown?
Do you think they should introduce VAR (Video Assistant Referee)? Would you like that in every day life? What instance or arguments would want you replayed and resolved from recently?
Richard has been meaning to clean the drain outside his kitchen ever since he moved into his new house two years ago. What is the longest-running chore that you have been intending to do but keep putting off?
Do you have romantic regrets?
Have you ever seen a fairy?
What’s your most common recurring dream?
Is it better to have loved and lost than to have to eat nothing but Pop-Tarts for a year?
Do you have an envelope cupboard?
Have you ever colluded with a Russian?
Have you ever canoodled with a Russian?
Have you ever canoed with a Russian?
What have you done to help the aged?
What do you think the tooth fairy is doing with all those teeth?
Have you ever grown cress?
Which is superior cress – land or water?
Have you ever been in the proximity of one of your heroes and been too shy to say anything to them?
Do you think that you’d make a good pope?
Is there an author who you would have liked to have heard read their own books on an audiobook from the past, before this technology existed?
Over the last few months, I’ve watched every episode of How I Met Your Mother. What is the most degrading thing you’ve done to yourself for no apparent reason?
If you were in hospital, would you prefer to die than meet Patch Adams?
What do you think is the enduring appeal of dressing up as the 118 running men from those old 118 adverts? That still happens. If you go to a marathon people still dress as those guys, even now. It’s an easy costume, I guess, but is it as funny as anyone who does it thinks it is?
I kind of fantasize about a world where everyone else is gone off in a spaceship; they’ve left me behind on purpose because they don’t like me. I don’t mind that. And the whole of the world is yours, which building would you live in if you had the access? If everyone else had gone and you were living alone, is there a building you would like to live in?
What’s the worst thing that has become entangled in your hair?
Phoebe Herring: Would you rather fall into a pool of lava or, at the last minute, be eaten by a crocodile instead of falling into the pool of lava?
How obsessive are you about your bins?
Is it cheating on your partner to have sex with something that is fifty percent mouse? Half of it is a rodent, half of it is a human being.
If you could travel back to medieval times, what single object would you take with you that would guarantee that you would be made queen/worshiped as a god?
Is honesty the best policy? If not, what is the best policy?
Would you consider to be cheating to sleep with a gender-reverse version of yourself?
What is the worst thing that’s ever happened to you when you’ve been kissing?
I’ve got eight bowls. Should I put the chipped ones at the bottom at the back? There are two rows of four, basically. Or should I – What would you do? Would you put the chipped ones at the back and only use them when you had to or would you put them at the front and use them more because if they get chipped again it won’t matter if they get broken it won’t matter as much? What would you do?
In the lockdown I realized I’ve only put on proper trousers, well, now twice. But the first time I put on, like, and when I say proper trousers I mean jeans. I’ve been wearing swimming trunks, jogging bottoms, cycling shorts – I’m wearing today. Anything but, like, proper trousers. Have you been dressing yourself properly during lockdown? Or have you been like me, and I only put on proper trousers last weekend because we had guests come around, and I didn’t know them quite well enough to be just wearing my grey jogging bottoms?
Who is the greatest living American?
Has anyone ever given you advice on how to control an animal of any kind?
What’s the strangest or nicest thing a fan has brought to you?
How many cheese graters do you have in your abode?
Elis James: What sort of problems did you encounter being the slightly more chilled-out one in a double act?
John Robins: Excluding family members, would you rather live with everyone you ever slept with, or sleep with everyone you’ve ever lived with?
Davecakes113: Who’s the funniest person you know outside of comedy?
John Robins: Would you rather never have an erection again or have an erection forever?
Today – which is the 28th of October if you’re watching in the future, listening in the future – in 1453, Ladislaus the Posthumous was crowned King of Bohemia. […] If you were king of a mythical kingdom, which I know Bohemia isn’t, but it sounds like it is, what would you like your nickname to be?
Do you think if more people bought him Christmas presents, the Devil might be less inclined to be evil?
Which five celebrities are on your celebrity shag list?
Who was your favourite Gladiator?
Is there a TV theme tune that haunts you?
Has a ghost ever seen you?
Does *place where guest lives* have any special Christmas traditions?
What is the most pompous Christmas carol?
What is the most unpleasant thing you’ve ever found in a stocking?
Are you looking forward to watching the Mrs. Brown’s Boys Christmas special this year?
What is the oldest Christmas decoration still used during your festivities?
What is your favourite Croatian Christmas carol?
Do you think they have Christmas in America?
Do you think that having sex with the Holy Ghost is cheating?
Do you think Scrooged would be a better film if Bill Murray learned nothing from the ghosts and stayed just as he was at the start?
What’s the worst thing that’s been drunkenly shouted at you by a friend or relative on Christmas Day? Or you could have shouted at someone else.
What’s the worst internet date you’ve ever had?
When, do you imagine, was the last time Santa had sex? With who or what? Do you think he could get it up after all the booze?
Do you actually enjoy New Year’s Eve? Isn’t it just too close to Christmas?
Who is the most inappropriate person you’ve ever had a sex dream about?
Can people change?
Would you rather be a Grinch or a Shrek?
Have you ever taken part in an identity parade, either trying to pick out the criminal being one of the people who isn’t the criminal or being the alleged criminal?
Fuck, marry, kill: Bing Crosby, Noddy Holder, or Alan Jones?
If you could travel back to any historical period – not just your finger, all of you – A) Where would go if you could go back one time to one historical place in time, where would you go?
What was the last thing that you bleached?
What is the most unusual free/mistaken item you’ve been sent in an online delivery?
If you had to lose one part of your body, which part of the body would you have removed to save the rest of you?
Is the Pope Catholic?
Is Jesus Catholic?
Do you think towns should bring back the forum?
Would you rather have a sense of smell that could travel in time (i.e., you could smell any environment from the past or future, but not something specific; you would – your sense of smell would travel in time, but nothing else would) or have a free pineapple delivered to your door every day for the rest of your life (and that will be delivered at 7:00am wherever you are in the world and the people won’t wake you up; it will just be left outside your door), but there will be a fresh pineapple waiting for you wherever you are?
Would you rather be the most beautiful person in the world or the cleverest person in the world. If you choose cleverness, your current attractiveness would decrease 25%. If you choose beauty you will become 25% less intelligent.
Would you rather have the ability to produce honey from your stomach or be able to make a pearl in your gallbladder/kidney every ten years? You would have a special honey stomach and sick the honey up through your mouth, producing ten kilograms of honey per year, which you could eat or sell to unsuspecting members of the public. Each pearl would be $8000 American dollars, but you would have to pass it with your urine via your urethra to get it out.
Would you rather have world peace or ten thousand pounds in your personal bank account, tax-free?
If you chose world peace, how much money would it take for you to change your answer?
Would you rather be the first person on Mars (and have life support and food but no means of getting home) or have everyone know that you were the person who was the dancing hand on the Eurovision Song Contest?
Have you ever seen someone shit in public?
Would you rather have an extra thumb on each hand, which you can do now with robotics, and it gives you – you put it there and it means you can, like, hold onto something and then still use your other thumb; you can have them on both hands – or be able to shoot poo out of your bum like a cannon. And I should say, you can’t kill anyone with the poo. If it hits them they’ll be covered with poo, or if it’s a hard poo, like, augh! And you can turn it on and off; it’s not like every time you go to the toilet *makes cannon noise.*
Do you remember the last time you got to sit in the seat on a shopping trolley when you were going around the supermarket?
Would you rather be Kate Middleton or Meghan Markle?
Would you rather be able to fart the Blockbusters theme tune or own a cat?
Would you rather be a horse chestnut tree or an apple tree?
Would you rather have to always wash your clothes in a dishwasher or always wash your plates, pans, cups, etc. in a washing machine? You’d have to use the dishwasher capsules in the dishwasher and the laundry tablets in the washing machine. You can still use the dishwasher for dishes if you choose to wash your clothes in the dishwasher and you can wash your clothes in the washing machine if you do your dishes there.
Would you rather have a conversation with a dolphin or an elephant?
Would you rather go on a cruise with Tom Cruise or a walking holiday with Christopher Walken?
Would you rather be happy, grumpy, sleepy, bashful, sneezy, dopey, or some kind of unspecified doctor? All lower-case. I’m not asking which [dwarf you’d like to be]?
Would you rather co-own a car with Jimmy Carr, a lorry with Laurie Anderson, or a van with Van Morrison?
Would you rather eat a full Christmas dinner for every meal, every day, or eat a medium-sized Easter egg every two hours for the rest of your life?
What TV show would you like to see a “Babies” version of (like The Muppet Babies)?
If your current partner was going to leave you for a world-famous comedian, who would you most like it to be?
Would you rather have a time machine that can only take you back to the 1973 wedding of Prince Anne and Mark Phillips or an invisibility cloak that glitches randomly at least once a minute, making you totally visible for a couple of second? You’d only be able to travel to the actual wedding ceremony and not leave Westminster Abbey. You might get lucky and have 45 seconds of total invisibility but might appear at any time. By the way, the invisibility cloak only works if you are otherwise totally naked.
Would you rather be nonchalant, semi-chalant, or 100%, fully chalant?
Would you rather have all your teeth fall out and be replaced by the teeth of a Neanderthal man or woman or have all your hair fall out and be replaced by the wire from a Brillo pad?
If you had to be a piece of fruit, what kind of fruit would you rather be out of all the fruits?
Would you rather be the most famous and successful person of all time, but only after you’ve died, or get 2-for-1 meals at Harvester for the rest of your life?
Would you rather have to live the rest of your life with Emu from Rod Hull and Emu grafted onto your arm, and you have to keep him moving and reacting at all times, even when you’re on your own, or have to have a full bath every day and once it’s over have to drink all the bath water before you’re allowed to do anything else?
Would you rather be imprisoned for a murder that you didn’t commit or for a murder that you did commit?
What sport would you like to see introduced into the Olympics?
Would you rather have real-life VAR (the controversial Video Assistant Referee used in football matches) […] or only be able to earn a living as a look-alike of someone famous? Although you would be allowed to style your hair and wear appropriate clothes, you would not be able to change your face to look like a famous person. You would have to choose a famous person you most resemble and then only be employable as their look-alike. You can’t change your initial decision, even if in later years you start to resemble someone else or if you are much too old to be the person you chose.
Would you rather it turned out we were all just characters in a video game being played by a slightly bored teenager or that the last ten years of your life had just been a dream and you’re about to wake up back where you were a decade ago?
Would you rather be shipwrecked for six months or live in an igloo for the next decade? You’d have to survive on the desert island and capture your own food and make your own shelter, but it would be nice and warm. The igloo would be as near to your current home as possible so you could still go to work, etc., but you wouldn’t be allowed in your current home. You could keep your stuff in the igloo but it’s not a very big igloo.
If there was an exact clone of you made – And it’s not a twin; it’s an actual copy of you. It’s you inside as well. So it’s actually you. Your mind. It’s got your brain as well, and your personality and your soul. And it’s the same age as you, because if you’re going to clone something it would be a baby first and that would make this an inappropriate question. Is it okay to have sex with it?
Have you ever attempted to create a monument that will stand for millennia? How did you get on?
Who did you last wave your bare bum at?
If you had to be given oral sex by a dinosaur, if you had to be, which dinosaur would you like to be mouthed to completion by?
What would it take for you to teabag Jacob Rees-Mogg?
What is the most unlikely thing you’ve seen up a mountain?
Have you ever experienced a child regressing to a previous life or have you ever regressed to a previous life?
Do you think the photo that will accompany your obituary has yet been taken or do you think it will come in the future?
Would you rather find a magical land at the back of your wardrobe or be caught up in a tornado?
What would you rather have named after you: the public toilet in the centre of your town or an embarrassing disease? The toilet would have a big neon sign above it them which would say, “The *Guest Name* Toilet.” The embarrassing disease would be mentioned on the news a lot and be caught by one in four people. Realistically, you would also need to be the first person to have the disease for it to carry your name.
Would you rather know the truth but always have to lie or be really good at ice hockey?
If you had the power to bring one historical figure back to life, out of all the people in history, who would you rather reanimate?
Would you rather have to keep two raw, shelled eggs in your cheeks at all times, one in each cheek, or have a jaw made out of glass? The glass would be the fragile kind used to make thin wine glasses, not the reinforced kind that can stop a bullet.
Who is your favourite Steve?
What’s the most surprising person or thing that has leapt out at you?